I'm in the middle. It's the place between here and there. The place where I think that maybe I'm ready to start dating and moving forward and what having a new man in my life might be like. But then I remember the there. The place I was at this time two years ago. Where I was happy and content and probably even a little giggly. I was not stuck somewhere in the middle.
I'm not really even sure what the middle is. It's not like I'm flailing about with no direction as to which way is up. Although sometimes, I wonder. Middle isn't necessarily bad but it's not ice cream and cake either. It's sort of like middle class I suppose. It's not rich and it's not poor, it's just somewhere in between. Middle class is OK but middle life, I'm not digging it so much.
I'll be honest and say that I keep waiting for something extraordinary to happen. Hoping for something glorious and powerful and well, just plain fabulous. It's not that I think I deserve it because deserve isn't my favorite word and not one I like to use, It's more of a hope. A hope deep inside my soul. A twinkle with any belief at all, will one day shine again. For me, It's almost as if there should be more of something, less of something else and an entire cloud of plain unadulterated joy and laughter. The kind that fills your soul and you float. Love is like that. It gives you wings to fly, it makes you feel safe and warm. I remember that feeling well. The butterflies and gigglyness. Just thinking about it makes me miss him and then I wonder, could I even ever love another man the way I loved him?
I remember when I was in high school, I thought a certain boy hung the moon and the stars. I remember being heartbroken when I had to leave him to go on a family vacation. I took the shirt off his back and vowed to sleep with it every night, which I did. Eventually however, his smell faded and all I had left was a dirty shirt. I thought I loved that boy with my heart and soul but it was a mere speck compared to what I felt for Dan. That was love. True-real-eternal love. Could I really be that blessed to have it twice in one lifetime?
My son said to me last night as we were snuggling in bed watching a movie, "If you find a new boyfriend, you can marry him and I'll get a new dad...I'm SO EXCITED about that Mom.". Followed a few minutes later by, "my dad died but if we get a new dad, I will hug him". Talk about my heart swelling up inside my chest. This sweet boy wants a dad probably more than I like chocolate. I wonder if he's ready to move on from this middle too?
I'm not really even sure what the middle is. It's not like I'm flailing about with no direction as to which way is up. Although sometimes, I wonder. Middle isn't necessarily bad but it's not ice cream and cake either. It's sort of like middle class I suppose. It's not rich and it's not poor, it's just somewhere in between. Middle class is OK but middle life, I'm not digging it so much.
I'll be honest and say that I keep waiting for something extraordinary to happen. Hoping for something glorious and powerful and well, just plain fabulous. It's not that I think I deserve it because deserve isn't my favorite word and not one I like to use, It's more of a hope. A hope deep inside my soul. A twinkle with any belief at all, will one day shine again. For me, It's almost as if there should be more of something, less of something else and an entire cloud of plain unadulterated joy and laughter. The kind that fills your soul and you float. Love is like that. It gives you wings to fly, it makes you feel safe and warm. I remember that feeling well. The butterflies and gigglyness. Just thinking about it makes me miss him and then I wonder, could I even ever love another man the way I loved him?
I remember when I was in high school, I thought a certain boy hung the moon and the stars. I remember being heartbroken when I had to leave him to go on a family vacation. I took the shirt off his back and vowed to sleep with it every night, which I did. Eventually however, his smell faded and all I had left was a dirty shirt. I thought I loved that boy with my heart and soul but it was a mere speck compared to what I felt for Dan. That was love. True-real-eternal love. Could I really be that blessed to have it twice in one lifetime?
My son said to me last night as we were snuggling in bed watching a movie, "If you find a new boyfriend, you can marry him and I'll get a new dad...I'm SO EXCITED about that Mom.". Followed a few minutes later by, "my dad died but if we get a new dad, I will hug him". Talk about my heart swelling up inside my chest. This sweet boy wants a dad probably more than I like chocolate. I wonder if he's ready to move on from this middle too?
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1 comments:
WOW girl, you are an awesome writer. I love to read your work! God has big plans for you and yours. I wish I could tell you what that was but I cant. But you are blessed with a wonderful family that will always keep you flying just about the "middle". You have 4 beautiful souls surrounding you every day and each of those carries some part of Dan. He never left you completely. He left the most important part of him behind, he left you his heart because I know he loved those kids more then anything.
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