Well.....

It's Friday night, the kids are asleep and here I sit.... alone. With the sound of the dishwasher running in the background and the ceiling fan blowing. I am alone. All alone. I should be happy for the peace but I'm not. I am sad and full of neediness. I want to be held. I want to feel loved and safe. I long to laugh and to be wanted. I miss my husband. Sometimes, missing him is just a part of life. Other times, it's almost unbearable. Like now for instance.

It's the little things you know. The family movie nights, the date nights, the glass of wine and time spent together snuggling on the couch. Even just having someone to defend my point of view. Someone on my team, someone who "gets" it. All those things I took for granted that I can never have again. I'M LONELY. I'm so very lonely. I know there's a purpose for all of this but this very second, I despise it. I am hurting and I don't think anyone could possibly imagine this feeling, the absence of this piece of my heart deep within my soul. This should be getting easier, right? You'd think so but it seems to be getting more difficult. How is that even possible?

I ask for a dream, something to get me by. A hope, a promise. Something...... Anything....

Yesterday was three months. 3 entire months since my husband left this earth. Seems like so much longer and yet, not long enough. I sometimes wish it were a year, or even two. That way, maybe I wouldn't be feeling so lost and so entirely alone. Maybe I'd be moving on with my life in a positive and productive way. I would hope so.

It's easy for me to wish to be somewhere else to escape this reality. Can I just say how much this sucks? It almost doesn't seem fair. To have to go through hell when Dan was sick then hell again when he died then hell again when he left us with nothing but a bazillion dollars in debt and lawsuits and then hell with THIS! No wonder I seem crazy. Wow, maybe I am crazy. Although I don't think I want to medicate for fear of gaining weight. Maybe I'm not crazy, just angry. Or maybe a lot of every emotion intensified. So much for that girl who took everything eloquently and with grace huh. I need an attitude adjustment-

Life isn't going to change because I'm crying about it or because I'm lonely. Money isn't going to drop from the sky so that I can pay off all the debt and lawsuits, pay off my truck and buy a home to call our own for the kids and I. Moving forward isn't just going to happen over night. Giant steps are impossible, baby steps are entirely doable.

Now, if I only knew where to start or had a thought process to even do it. My mind is only capable of a certain amount of thinking in a 24 hour period. Anything above that and I just shut down mentally. I think it's the direct result of the past year. My brain has literally turned to mush. I'm starting to really sound like a mental patient arent I? As it so happens, on top of my mental instability, my allergies are HORRIBLE and my nose is a runny faucet. Nice analogy huh? So I'm off to take some Benedryl and possibly have one more good cry.

Tomorrow has to be better...right?

More Brain dumping....

I actually wrote this some time ago but seeing that I have writers block lately, I'm going ahead and publishing it now for your reading (dis) pleasure....

I've been in a slump. I've been weary and I feel defenseless. Lonely. Lost.

In trying to figure out where all this is coming from, I've been looking at my life. What is different now that wasn't two weeks ago? The obvious comes to mind, the flood of emotions from the vacation, past and upcoming holidays, the 26th of the month.... Those things are and will be very much backwards steps on my journey. I haven't been spending as much alone time as I should with God. That's HUGE in my attitude and the way I deal with things. How can Christ shine through me if I don't spend any time with him? I've also realized most all of the people have left. I don't mean that negatively, it just is what it is.

I'm no longer surrounding myself with prayer which probably is my fault because I haven't asked for it (and I KNOW I really need it). I cancelled meals and laundry help some time ago, which I am totally capable of taking care of on my own but I'm honestly missing the fellowship. Talking to all those amazing women and their support that came along with the meal deliveries and laundry pick ups and drop offs. I miss that a lot. I know I still have their support but it's different when you have to seek it out instead of it just coming to you. Does that even make sense? Sometimes I question my thought process. Likewise with my family, i will always have the support of my family but now it's different.

People don't intentionally "go away" they just go back to leading their normal lives. They go back to work, to school, to plans. They stop calling, emailing and checking on you. They just get busy and the sadness for you that they felt slowly falls into the back of their mind. Life is normal for them and why wouldn't it be?

The loss of a spouse directly happened to me. I'm not looking at it from the outside, I'm living it. There is no going back to a normal life. It's drastically different. Plans don't matter much and sometimes, lately... or rather, these past two weeks, just getting through the day with a smile is a HUGE step forward.

Please don't think I'm saying this because I think you've been slacking. That's not why I'm bringing any of this up. I do have people in my life who are still on high "Shelly" alert ". It's almost as if they are in brain and they know the exact moment that I need them. They really do help me get through through the darkest of dark moments. Sometimes, I do feel bad because it's the same people that I unload on over and over again. I worry that it might be too much or that they may be getting overloaded with my problems and I don't want to do that either. "DEEP SIGH". As I saying this, I realize that my Grief Share is a huge source of support for me. They arent going anywhere and I know that each and every one of them "get it" because they are all or have gone through exactly what I am at this very moment.

I guess I'm merely speaking from the heart. My readers know that sometimes, I'm honest to a flaw which may or may not always be a good thing but it is who I am. I'm learning all of this as I go really. I don't want to be high maintenance by any means but If I'm being real, I do think I'm not ready for this solo act just yet. Now that the the people have left, I'm forced to deal with EVERYTHING and It's kinda scary. I know I must heal and in dealing with these things, there is healing so I suppose it isn't too terribly awful. It's just a roller coaster of emotions. So many of them in the form of missing my husband. I've been thinking about him so much lately.

I guess if your the praying kind and I happen to cross your mind, please keep sending those prayers up. I am very much encouraged by prayer and at this moment, not only do I need to be doing a whole lot of praying, but I think I need a whole lot too.

Who You'd Be Today?

I heard this song while we were in San Diego. The words are powerful. The video doesnt pertain to Dan but the words sure do..... I miss him so much my heart aches.

Reevaluating

This week was exhausting, there's no denying that. Our family vacation really was wonderful. Disneyland, Sea World and of course, San Diego. Non stop running, non stop fun and non stop thoughts. My mind has been on hyper drive. Thinking thinking and thinking some more. Being in California had some serious effect on my thought processes. Every step I took, every corner I turned, a memory. A memory of my life as it once was and a whole lot of reevaluation of the life I now call my own.

I realized so many things while I was away, one of which I'm not all that proud of. I don't really recognize myself these days. As much as I can pretend to be the person I was, I am not. I'm lonely and often times, emotional. Full of doubt and confusion. I miss my husband. I miss all of him. He was proud of me, you know? PROUD! I miss that too. Someone to lift me up, someone to catch me when I fall. I'm doing a whole lot of falling lately. I miss all the silly things. The guilty pleasures of midnight ice cream runs and hot baths. I just plain miss him terribly. From the depths of my soul, I miss him. I miss how he made me feel. How he made me laugh. He thought I was beautiful and strong. He thought I was everything. He loved me, he loved my body, baby scars and all. Now, all of that is but a memory. That man, that brave strong man is no longer standing beside me and I feel weak. Weary. Lost. Vulnerable. LONELY. Who am I? Where is that strong woman I once knew and where on earth do I find her?

As life would have it, California, brought a lot of my feelings to the surface. Things I hadn't really let out. I realized that I long to LIVE! What that exactly entails, I have no idea. Maybe it's doing something crazy, getting a tattoo or spending the summer with my kids in California. Maybe it's trying something new, finding a new hobby or passion. Or maybe it's just making sure that I have absolutely no regrets. I'm telling ya, there's just something about the ocean, the breeze and the sound of the waves crashing against the shoreline. It's peaceful and surrendering. It was there that I also realized just how short life is. Not that losing Dan hadn't already shown me but it was so foggy for so long after his loss that I hadn't fully grasp the depth of it. Somehow I was awoken with the ocean air and without a doubt, I know completely that it's too short to be wasted. Kids grow too fast, people die too suddenly and life passes us by too quickly. Sure, there are responsibilities and things I must do but living life can no longer be just passing time. What if I died tomorrow? Would my kids know how much I love them? Would they know each and every small thing that I adore about them?Would my parents know how thankful I am for their support and love? Would they know how unbelievably amazing I think they are? Would my friends know why I admire them so much? What I love about them? Would my sister know how much I need her and value her as my sister and as my friend? I have to make certain that the people in my life know how much they mean to me. I have to live this life I've been given and spend every moment holding those closest to my heart because tomorrow may be all we have.

Bitter Sweet

Here I sit after yet another fun filled day at "The Happiest Place on Earth". What a whirlwind of emotions I've had these past few days. I can't recall ever being so happy and yet so sad all in the same moment.

The last time we were at Disney, Dan was alive. Now, here I am back again with my kids, celebrating the twins 4th birthday at Disneyland, without their daddy. It is truly bitter sweet. Every corner I turned, it seemed as though I was reminded of that time. So many triggers, so many happy memories. Then, with my sweet boys turning four, I feel as though I've almost missed out on the last six months of their life. It is a huge milestone but one I wasn't quite ready for. I wish I could go back and cherish every moment of them being 3. Of watching them with their daddy, playing and being boys, when he could actually interact with them. I'm sure Dan was there with us, we just couldn't see him. I'm certain my boys must of felt his presence. One of them said it was his bestest birthday ever. Maybe it was and maybe that's my clue that their hearts are beginning to heal too. It's crazy to think about. To think that none of us will ever get to have another birthday quite like the ones we had in the past. Now, it's all about new beginnings. Most days I say "bring it on" however not so much this week.

My kids sure needed this vacation. We all did really. As emotional as it has been for me, up to this point, I've enjoyed myself. It's all just the process I suppose. More of that healing stuff. I know I have to go through it, even when I'm on vacation and even when I don't particularly want to. It's life. It's definitely my life and that's okay.

Just thinking...

Doors close, new ones open. Opportunities present themselves in unexpected ways. We lose, we gain. We continually grow and learn. We move forward. Each step being orchestrated, each event preplanned.

The other day I had lunch with a good friend. We were talking about the future. I was thinking about something that my cousin said the day of Dans memorial. She said, "Shelly, you are still young. You have the possibility of falling in love again and being married for 50 plus years." Wow, that sounds crazy. It was a little weird to hear but she's right, I could. Since then, I've hung on to her words with hope and wonder. Obviously, I'm no where near even ready to date, let alone get married. But truth be told, I do get lonely. Some days, I want nothing more than for two strong arms to be wrapped around me. To feel safe, secure and loved by someone other than my sweet children.

This particular day, I was really missing Dan and as my friend and I talked, I mentioned what my cousin said. "One day I could remarry". She shook her head agreeing and spoke from her heart. She said (not in these exact words), "Your life is going to be amazing. Possibly, even better than you've ever imagined. It's going to be completely different than it was. The man you marry is going to be pretty special. He has to be to love you and take you for who you are, to love you for where you've been, what you've been through and for what you have, your story and to love your kids as his own". WOW. I think I had to pick my bottom lip up off the floor for that one. I couldn't even begin to say it as heartfelt as she did but in that moment, she and I both knew the words didn't come from her. She couldn't repeat them even if she had tried. But the enormity of those words she spoke, they were so full of hope. HOPE! And they are now embedded in my heart. Can you imagine finding a man like that twice in a lifetime? Seems almost unbelievable and yet, there is still hope.

Yesterday, another friend and I had coffee. He's been divorced for a while but it was rough for him in the beginning. Not at the amplitude of the loss that I have suffered but a divorce, in a sense is still a great loss. It hit me as he was talking about his ex wife and why they didn't "work out". I realized in that moment that we had both learned from our marriages. Lessons that will be tremendous in making a future marriage's greatness. And how awesome is that? Having that ability?

These things, seemingly meaningless moments, words and visions are HUGE in my life. I can take them all and learn. They help me now in growing and moving forward. Even though, I can't see tomorrow when I look down my path, I can see yesterday and where I've been. I can use all those moments to remind myself that life is too short to be wasted on sadness and pain. To stay true to myself, always. I do not know if in fact, I will ever remarry. I don't even know when I'll date. But I do know that if I am blessed enough to have a second chance at loving someone, God will place him in my life and he will be exactly the man I need.