In the middle

I'm in the middle. It's the place between here and there. The place where I think that maybe I'm ready to start dating and moving forward and what having a new man in my life might be like. But then I remember the there. The place I was at this time two years ago. Where I was happy and content and probably even a little giggly. I was not stuck somewhere in the middle.

I'm not really even sure what the middle is. It's not like I'm flailing about with no direction as to which way is up. Although sometimes, I wonder. Middle isn't necessarily bad but it's not ice cream and cake either. It's sort of like middle class I suppose. It's not rich and it's not poor, it's just somewhere in between. Middle class is OK but middle life, I'm not digging it so much.

I'll be honest and say that I keep waiting for something extraordinary to happen. Hoping for something glorious and powerful and well, just plain fabulous. It's not that I think I deserve it because deserve isn't my favorite word and not one I like to use, It's more of a hope. A hope deep inside my soul. A twinkle with any belief at all, will one day shine again. For me, It's almost as if there should be more of something, less of something else and an entire cloud of plain unadulterated joy and laughter. The kind that fills your soul and you float. Love is like that. It gives you wings to fly, it makes you feel safe and warm. I remember that feeling well. The butterflies and gigglyness. Just thinking about it makes me miss him and then I wonder, could I even ever love another man the way I loved him?

I remember when I was in high school, I thought a certain boy hung the moon and the stars. I remember being heartbroken when I had to leave him to go on a family vacation. I took the shirt off his back and vowed to sleep with it every night, which I did. Eventually however, his smell faded and all I had left was a dirty shirt. I thought I loved that boy with my heart and soul but it was a mere speck compared to what I felt for Dan. That was love. True-real-eternal love. Could I really be that blessed to have it twice in one lifetime?

My son said to me last night as we were snuggling in bed watching a movie, "If you find a new boyfriend, you can marry him and I'll get a new dad...I'm SO EXCITED about that Mom.". Followed a few minutes later by, "my dad died but if we get a new dad, I will hug him". Talk about my heart swelling up inside my chest. This sweet boy wants a dad probably more than I like chocolate. I wonder if he's ready to move on from this middle too?

Thirty Six?

Tomorrow, I will be another year older. Tomorrow, another year wiser (let's hope) and most certainly another year wrinklier. Ah yes, with age comes not only wisdom but more character lines. Can you not feel my overflowing joy and excitement with that undeniable truth? Seriously, four years closer to middle age? Whoa, how did that happen?

It's crazy how time changes us. It changes everything. Our relationships, the way we think, the way we look and even, sometimes, the way we live. If you would have asked me two years ago where I thought I'd be at this very moment, I would never have said "A working widowed mom of four actually considering dating"! I never would have guessed just how sweet my relationships with those closest to my heart could be and I never would have imagined moving forward after such a heartbreaking loss. Yet, here I am-amazed, shocked and even with some of the changes, surprisingly overjoyed with how things have turned out.

One of the most influencial people in my life is my Nana. For as long as I can remember, she has celebrated her birthdays with unwaivering grace and joy. I have been blessed to say that I have actually absorbed a thing or two from this incredible lady and in recent days have realized that 36 is just another stepping stone on my life's path. The steps I have taken to get here have been far from easy but I am certain that I have learned, that I have grown and quite possibly that I have even strengthened. Maybe I'll make it to 95 one day, just like my Nana. If I can impact even half of the people she has in her 95 years, I will be happy. Now, if only I could say the same about my wrinkles and dark eye circles. They are after all, here to stay, might as well keep em.

Live intentionally, Laugh uncontrollably and most of all Love others just as God loves each of us ....

Time

I know, I know I've been MIA. Yes, I do realize it's been seven long months since I've written something substantial or really anything for that matter. It's not you, really, it's me. I was somewhere between fog and reality and just did not have time to get on here and blog. But alas, here I am with a not so profound posting but one that means more to me than you could possibly imagine.

It's been over a year since my precious husband left this earth. Over a year! It seems crazy that it's been a over a year. It's difficult to believe isn't it? Time certainly passes us by quickly. Months are minutes and moments are a blink of the eye.

Someone once told me that time heals all pain, I didn't believe them. How on earth can time mend a heart so badly broken that it seems beyond repair? How can time bring happiness that seemed forever lost? How? I didn't understand. I couldn't see that far ahead of me, all I could see was where I had been and the moment I was in.

Then it seems that as quickly as my life had changed, it started to become normal again. I could feel, I could smile and I was laughing. I was actually happy. My heart was no longer broken into pieces, it was healing. Time was healing me. TIME WAS HEALING ME! It was astounding to me. I think I'm still in shock but none-the-less, Now, I believe. I do, I really do. Time does heal pain.

My life is completely different now and I'm okay with that. I've learned to live it and somewhere along the way, I've miraculously started enjoying living it. Who would have ever thought that? Certainly not I. But here I am and I AM DOING IT! WOW, I really am doing it. I don't want to toot my own horn but by golly there is certainly some excitement in how far I've come.

Heart ache happens and it changes us but it doesn't have to change us in a negative way. If we can just walk through the pain, we can come out on the other side changed in a way we never even thought possible. Stronger, happier and perhaps even better than we ever imagined. If I can do it, I know you can do it!

Happy New year my friends (albeit a tad late) make this year count!