The End of an Era

Not sure why I never posted this? At any rate, I am back and trying to catch everyone up. So sit back and enjoy the ride....

35? How did that happen? My early thirties have officially turned into my "mid thirties". Last month I was thinking "thirty five-schmirty five, I"m too young to be 35". I think- I was in denial. But NOW, I've embraced it. Well, sort of. Aside from the very much greying of my hairs (thanks Dad and to that darned "Austin" gene) and those few wrinkles I'm trying to get rid of .... I guess 35 isn't so bad. It's almost worth celebrating. The end of an era and the start of new and WONDERFUL beginnings. A new chapter.....

I admit, I do miss the old chapter. I know I say this all the time but I missed not having Dan here to celebrate my birthday with. Although, I think he'd be pretty proud of where I am right now. That I'm pushing forward through all of the obstacles. That I haven't stayed in bed and withered away. I can't take the credit for it though. I'm am surrounded by some pretty amazing people and with their love and support, I'm making it through. Each and every day. I'm also pretty certain that I've been carried on many a day.

Cheers to good ol' 35. April the 20 the 9th (that's what I used to call it when I was five) may make me a year older but it is truly a day to enjoy. A day to CELEBRATE all the many blessings in my life.

The Birthday girl (yeah I'm cheesy like that),

Can you still be "Fireproof" if your not married?

I missed last weekends service at church because I was at the women's retreat but I had known that it was the beginning of a new series entitled Fireproof. I had mixed feelings about even attending because It was a marriage based series and obviously, I no longer fall into that category. It almost felt as though I was venturing into something I wasn't sure I was really even ready for.

You see, Dan and I had only been on the same page in our marriage the year he died. I know now, looking back that it was all Gods plan. We went to a marriage seminar at the beginning of 2008 compliments of friends and it literally changed our lives and our marriage. We were at an amazing place in our marriage and were always looking for more to enhance and enrich it. Then, the Fireproof movie premiered. We both wanted to see it but never had the chance. He was just too sick to do much of anything and so, I sat it on my heart waiting for the opportunity. The desire to see the movie eventually faded as our marriage had, the moment I lost him.

Now, here I was having to face something that was literally torn from my heart. I wasn't sure how I'd react, let alone how my emotional state would be afterwards. Ironically, walking in to church was totally fine. I felt refreshed from the retreat and I was pretty happy. I was also not going to be alone at the service (which is huge) because my good friends were meeting me there. The series was amazing as they typically are at CCV. Then, they began talking about radically breaking free from the temptations that fuel you and the band played "AMAZING GRACE".

That song has profound meaning in my life. Somewhere in the middle of 2008, shortly after Dan, Bay and I were baptized, I had heard the Chris Tomlin version. Each time I would hear it, it brought me to tears. It's the song we played at the end of Dan's memorial because his chains were gone and he truly was set free.

So, as the band sang, people started standing up. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and my sweet friend stood up with me and wrapped her arms around me as tightly as she could possibly get them. Emotion completely rose to the surface and I let go of all that I had apparently been holding in. At that moment, I was very much truly a widow. At that moment, I really didn't have a significant other. I was, *gulp*, alone. Thank God for Jenny because I don't think I could have faced much more of the service without her. Then as quickly as they had flowed, the tears stopped and I was as okay as I was gonna be in that moment.

I don't know what I'm supposed to learn from this. I don't know what Gods plan is in my life with all of this marriage series stuff but I'm pretty sure I will come away from it a stronger more confident woman of Christ. I'm also pretty certain that I can face all of it as long as He carries me (and He will) during the difficult and emotional parts. Which reminds me, I'm also thinking I probably need to continue to surround myself with amazing friends at service so I'm not sitting there alone. Hugs from loved ones during the tears are so much better than trying to hug yourself. Don'tcha think? At any rate, maybe you can be "Fireproof" and not be married.

Blessings,

Reflections of last Easter

A year ago we celebrated Easter as a family of six. Never in a million years had I thought it would be our last as a family of six. Our last with Dan.

He colored eggs with the kids and played with them just before church. I remember how happy he was that the day we gave our lives to Christ, was Easter Sunday. He got a kick out of the boys saying they wanted to throw their hearts in the baptismal and give them to "cheese-us" too.

This Easter will be bitter sweet. Knowing that my husband is in heaven because of the steps he took a year ago is nothing short of sheer sweetness. I do however miss him more than anyone could possibly imagine. The bitterness is in having to celebrate this holiday without him. He is very much going to be missed this Sunday.

Cleaning for a cause...or something like it

The only way my life is going to move forward is if I make some changes. Some changes I am forced to make. For instance, not getting food help anymore. The state is in control and no matter how much I beg and plead, they may not give me said food assistance after the month of April. If that is the case, I would be forced to pay for preschool which at this very moment, I do not have the financial means to do. Therefore, I need a plan. Something to keep my precious little munchkins in school until summer is here.

I also just plain need to move forward. In a mere 28 days, I will be 35. 35 years old people! 35 with four children living with my parents....... with no job and no true means of supporting myself. It's sad isn't it? Really. You can feel sorry for me, go ahead. Lord knows that at times I even feel sorry for me. It's not what I intended as my ever after but when your husband is diagnosed with cancer and dies within three months of that diagnosis, nothing is sacred anymore. The rug was literally pulled out from underneath my feet. It hurts like hell but no matter how much crying and screaming I do, it won't change my circumstance.

Bills, bills and more bills. In all honesty, if I could just pay off my truck, I'd be in a lot better state. Probably capable of moving forward sooner rather than later. Sooner sounds so much better than later doesn't it? So, in order to do that, keep my kids in school until summer and just plain get on with the moving forward of life, I've started to put a plan in place. A "goals" sort of list. It goes something like this....

1. Make Money to keep boys in school
2. Make Money to pay off car
3. Make money to start saving for a house of our own
4. Make money to pay off debt
5. Get skinny

I understand the get skinny thing throws off the goals list but I do need to get skinny so it's on the top five. Besides, if I'm making money I could join a gym to aid in the "get skinny" part.

Anyhow, I've mentioned this in past blog posts and I'm bringing it up again. Cleaning. Along with my friend, we have the potential to do great things with our small cleaning business. Yesterday, we went to a meeting regarding housing restoration and we were only one of two cleaning teams there. Seriously, if all goes well, this could be a HUGE opportunity for us. In the meantime, we will be working on business strategy and marketing. We are also still very interested in residential homes and possibly business cleaning opportunities. At present time we have a few homes we are cleaning. I'll be sending out a mass email with details and our contact info. very soon. Please, absolutely keep us in mind if you or someone you know needs cleaning. We can even come with references.

Thanks for your consideration and just plain sticking around to read my sometimes not so inspiring blog.