The day my "new" normal began

I'm not sure why I'm sharing this. It's not as raw as it once was for me so maybe that's why. Then again, maybe I just need to talk about it some more. Some of you know how things went down that day. December 26, 2008, the day I lost my husband. It's not like it's something I'll ever forget so I guess technically, I don't need to write it all out in heartbreaking detail but I am none-the-less.

I woke up at 5am that morning. To read the bible and do devotionals. My devotionals come emailed to me and therefore, I needed to access the Internet on our laptop. We had an air card and I couldn't find it. I was in the dark asking Dan if he knew where on earth it was. I had an attitude because he didn't answer me, he just reached towards the wall and tried to open the drawer in the night stand. That was the last time I would see him alive. I still to this day feel a little guilt over our last encounter. I was mean and I don't know why I was mean. It's not the way you want to say goodbye to your best friend. I always remember people telling me to never go to bed angry. Now, I wish I'd also not woken up angry. I can't get that time back. I just need to forgive myself and try to move forward with what I have.

I ended up using my dads computer. Then I made coffee and went about my usual morning routine. I then cleaned up the HUGE mess that was Christmas. Organizing, sorting, going through all the toys. Once I was done with that, I went to the kitchen. I remember looking at the clock and thinking, "hmm, Dan's been sleeping for an awful long time". So, I went in and checked on him. At first, he looked like he was sleeping but then he made a funny noise. I got closer and realized something wasn't right. There he was, laying there with his mouth open, drool coming down his face and his eyes open, glazed over. He wasn't moving. I shook him and he didn't respond. His eyes didn't even blink. He just layed there, non responsive. I started to panic. I yelled his name, I think three times. Then I heard my mom calling 911. I felt his pulse and checked for breathing and a heart beat. His heart was beating very fast. He was feverish and kind of sweating. The kids were home and Bay was trying to keep them in the living room so they didn't see anything. She was hysterical. My mom was hysterical. I was in shock. My dad helped me lift him on the the floor in the hallway because that's where 911 said he needed to be. He was just a limp noodle. His eyes remained open, never blinking. I remember hearing the ambulance and thinking how quickly they came. I'd expected it to take longer. There was a very distinct smell coming from Dan. It was kind of gross smelling and I wasn't sure where it was coming from. When the medics arrived they checked vitals, gave him an iv and started him on some anti-over dose medication. They thought maybe he'd OD'd on Morphine. He didn't respond to it so they stopped. He had a rapidly beating heart and pulse. They weren't sure why. My dad went in the ambulance with them. I just couldn't go but I didn't want him to be alone. It's all a little blurry from there.

My sister drove me to the hospital where I met my dad. They took him to Arrowhead because they said it was the closest and with his condition, they needed to go to the closest hospital. My dad said they thought he may have had a stroke because although he was still not responding, he was favoring his left side when they did reflex testing. I dropped to my knees then and there in the middle of ER and prayed like I'd never prayed before. I asked God to wrap his arms around my husband, over and over again. My dad thought I was losing it. Maybe I was but praying was the only thing I knew to do. I specifically remember one of the medics hugging me. Looking back it's almost as if he knew Dan was already gone. I remember being moved to a waiting room. Dan's parents arriving and his brother. My friends Jenny and Ken and Alisha arriving. Then, in a moment, time froze. The Dr came in and said, "Mrs. Sauer, your husbands very sick. We need to put him on a ventilator. He's bleeding out everywhere and well, he's very sick. He's a very sick man". At that point I was thinking, this Dr's not telling me something and I asked, "Are you telling me my husbands Dying?" He said, "yes and he probably won't make it through the day". I couldn't believe it. The day before he was walking and talking. He was very sick but he was alive. He was with me. I remember thinking, he's bleeding out. Oh my gosh! But then it hit me that earlier, the weird smell that I had smelled was actually blood. Funny I never saw blood. In an instant, I went outside to call our pastor so they could come and pray over Dan. In the middle of the call, someone ran out and got me and was running pulling my arm. When we got to Dan's room, everyone was in there and it was utter chaos. I felt like I was in a movie. They were pushing on Dans chest giving him CPR, his listless body was flailing all over the place and the monitor was flat lining. They invited everyone in the room, like it was a show, then they shut the curtain. I put my head in someones chest, I couldn't watch. I remember thinking, "no, no, no, no" and then I remember thinking, "STOP!" PLEASE JUST STOP". I must of told my dad to tell them to stop because in a moment, they were saying, "Who said that?" My dad then said she did. They asked me again, "Do you want to stop?" and I said, "Yes, stop". So, they stopped. I was in shock. I was numb. Dans mom was wailing, "not my baby". I stood there for a moment. Then the Dr's said he was very sick and that I made the right choice. Somehow it wasn't reassuring but I know that it was the right choice. I never thought at the age of 34 that I'd be the one to make the choice to not resuscitate. It still stings but I smile when I think of where that allowed him to be and that is a very good thing.

From there they just said we needed to talk to him and tell him how much we loved him. They said he'd still show signs of life for a little bit but eventually those would go away. I tried telling him I loved him but his mother was so loud. I couldn't talk over her. She was speaking in Spanish and I didn't have the strength nor the energy to try and make her stop or move her out of the way so I could get a word in edgewise. So I left and went outside. I realized I couldn't go back in. I didn't want to see him laying there. I was afraid of remembering him that way. My sister took me home to tell my kids. Walking through that door after making the single most toughest decision of my life was horrible. I didn't know what I would say to them but I knew I had to tell Bay first. She took it hard. She was hysterical. It broke my heart. She didn't even get to say goodbye. None of them did. Then, I took the boys to the couch and told them that Daddy went to heaven to be with Jesus and they both smiled. They wanted to visit him. I told them that he wasn't going to ever come back and Bennett said, "I'm going to miss daddy". It made me cry. My kids didn't even get closure. One moment their daddy was here and the next, he was gone. It's heartbreaking for me because I worry that one day they may have abandonment issues. How will this affect them as they grow? I can only pray it makes them stronger.

I got a call that I had to go back to the hospital to sign the death certificate. By that time the pastor had been there for a while. When I arrived outside the room, I DID NOT want to go in. I was almost hyperventilating. The pastor hugged me and calmly said that it's my choice but he knew that I'd regret it if I didn't go in and say goodbye. It was the third most difficult situation of the day for me but I finally decided to go in. We prayed and then, they left me alone with Dan. He was still a little warm and he looked like he was sleeping. He really looked at peace. I think that is what helped me the most being in that room alone with him. I talked to him and told him how much I was going to miss him and then I cried. I finally cried. I said goodbye to my best friend. As I am typing this right now, tears are running down my face. Oh how I miss that man. I miss everything about him. Even those things that drove me nuts. He meant so much to me. SO MUCH. The nurse walked in and as I was turning to leave, I noticed Dans cross around his neck. She cut it off for me so I could bring it home to give to the boys. They always loved Daddy's cross necklace. I signed the death certificate or whatever it is that you sign when someone dies and I walked out of the room. From there i don't remember anything. We came home and met the pastor at our house. We talked about his service and when and how it would all happen. All I remember was that we were going to have it a week later. The pastor left and life resumed or it went on as normal as it could have for the situation.

That night I was afraid to be alone. I couldn't sleep. I cried for what seemed like forever. A fear of Dan forgetting me, forgetting us, flooded my entire being. Like somehow he was up in heaven, enjoying this amazing life and I was on earth, trying to put the pieces together all while dealing with losing him and taking care of our children. It didnt seem fair. It was tough but the sun still rose the next day and the day after that. It has risen every day since. Each day has gotten easier and each night, less fearful. I can actually go to bed now without crying. Sometimes, as weird as this may sound, I know he's there with us. It gives me peace knowing that.

My life drastically changed on that day. I always loved the Christmas season. I loved everything about it. Looking forward, I wonder how I'll feel. It is my hope that I'll embrace Dans life during that season and continue to move forward just the way he would have wanted me too. As much as it hurts, as difficult as it's been, it's made me a better person and given me a ironic sense of hope. One thing I know with absolute certainty is that I could have never gotten through it without God.

This was the day my new normal began. Welcome to "My Story".