Anger and Acceptance

I sat in the silence for hours driving and thinking. Where should my life be at this moment? Where do my kids need it to be? For many months, I really wasn't sure of much of anything except for the absolute anger I felt. I won't deny it, it festered and erupted over and over again for months. The anger of the loss of Dan, the anger towards God, the anger I felt for the overwhelming financial burdens that my husband left me with. All of it changed me, changed my heart.

It just didn't seem fair that a man so young with so much to live for and a family would have to suffer so much only to lose his life. I was angry that God felt I could handle this. I was angry that He allowed it to happen, that He allowed my children to no longer have a dad. I was so angry in fact that I stopped going to church, I stopped tithing and I stopped praying. I even stopped believing for a while. I mean I always knew He was there but He no longer filled my heart, it just wasn't there anymore, the fire was nearly out.

It was like a huge pile of madness and anger dwelling inside my heart instead. I was boiling over the financial ruin that I was left with. Granted, a lot of the financial issues weren't Dans fault, all the medical bills and such but there is a lot, a whole lot, where that fault can be placed. I also can't deny the gut wrenching sadness I felt when I found out there was no life insurance. NONE. Even after years of being told by Dan that there was. Why would someone lie about something like that? I just didn't understand it and maybe it's something I never will. I had to accept it and move on. Seems simple, right? Well, it wasn't.

You see that's the part I'd been having the most difficult time with, acceptance. Accepting the new life I'd been given. Accepting the fact that I no longer had a significant other to pick up the slack and do all the things I "used" to think women didn't do. Things like car maintenance, manual labor and camping. Yes, I said camping. Go ahead laugh at me, it's funny. I'm laughing at myself as I type this. Even the things that I didn't like to do, things that I almost despised doing, Dan would do for me. It's sad really because I never balanced a check book or paid a bill. I never had to worry about anything because Dan took care of it. He took care of it all and I liked it that way. I liked it A LOT! Now, here I was raising our four kids on my own (albeit with the help of my folks) and having to take on EVERYTHING. I was angry about it and I fought it with all my might.

Fortunately for me, things didn't change, even with as much as I was hoping they would. I was still forced to do it all, I had no other choice. No one was going to come along and do it for me. No one was going to take on everything. Not even God. There were many well meaning friends and family members that came alongside me and gave me the tough love talk but I didn't listen. I had to learn for myself. I had to get through it. As stubborn as I'd been known to be (and admittedly often times still am) and as much as I fought it, one day I just woke up. I realized all I had been fighting wasn't getting me anywhere but more angry and it was taking me further and further away from where I should be. That was the moment that defined this entire situation. It's my life and I have two choices. I can fight it and be miserable or I can embrace it and be content. I choose contentment.

So, here I am back to blogging and working towards where I "should" be with my life, my kids, my faith and of course, my heart. The bitterness and anger have finally checked out. I've started back to church and back to opening my heart for all that He has planned for us. I've finally awaken from the fog and am really trying to accept even those things I don't like as learning experiences. Heck, I even sawed a few logs for firewood when we went camping but that is another story entirely.

There is also a lesson for my readers in this story, YOU NEED TO KNOW HOW TO DO THINGS FOR YOURSELF AND IT'S IMPERATIVE to know everything about your financial situation. EVERYTHING. Because one day, you just may find yourself where I am and it's not anything anyone should go through while grieving the loss of a loved one (even if it was self inflicted on my part).

Transparently yours,