More Brain dumping....

I actually wrote this some time ago but seeing that I have writers block lately, I'm going ahead and publishing it now for your reading (dis) pleasure....

I've been in a slump. I've been weary and I feel defenseless. Lonely. Lost.

In trying to figure out where all this is coming from, I've been looking at my life. What is different now that wasn't two weeks ago? The obvious comes to mind, the flood of emotions from the vacation, past and upcoming holidays, the 26th of the month.... Those things are and will be very much backwards steps on my journey. I haven't been spending as much alone time as I should with God. That's HUGE in my attitude and the way I deal with things. How can Christ shine through me if I don't spend any time with him? I've also realized most all of the people have left. I don't mean that negatively, it just is what it is.

I'm no longer surrounding myself with prayer which probably is my fault because I haven't asked for it (and I KNOW I really need it). I cancelled meals and laundry help some time ago, which I am totally capable of taking care of on my own but I'm honestly missing the fellowship. Talking to all those amazing women and their support that came along with the meal deliveries and laundry pick ups and drop offs. I miss that a lot. I know I still have their support but it's different when you have to seek it out instead of it just coming to you. Does that even make sense? Sometimes I question my thought process. Likewise with my family, i will always have the support of my family but now it's different.

People don't intentionally "go away" they just go back to leading their normal lives. They go back to work, to school, to plans. They stop calling, emailing and checking on you. They just get busy and the sadness for you that they felt slowly falls into the back of their mind. Life is normal for them and why wouldn't it be?

The loss of a spouse directly happened to me. I'm not looking at it from the outside, I'm living it. There is no going back to a normal life. It's drastically different. Plans don't matter much and sometimes, lately... or rather, these past two weeks, just getting through the day with a smile is a HUGE step forward.

Please don't think I'm saying this because I think you've been slacking. That's not why I'm bringing any of this up. I do have people in my life who are still on high "Shelly" alert ". It's almost as if they are in brain and they know the exact moment that I need them. They really do help me get through through the darkest of dark moments. Sometimes, I do feel bad because it's the same people that I unload on over and over again. I worry that it might be too much or that they may be getting overloaded with my problems and I don't want to do that either. "DEEP SIGH". As I saying this, I realize that my Grief Share is a huge source of support for me. They arent going anywhere and I know that each and every one of them "get it" because they are all or have gone through exactly what I am at this very moment.

I guess I'm merely speaking from the heart. My readers know that sometimes, I'm honest to a flaw which may or may not always be a good thing but it is who I am. I'm learning all of this as I go really. I don't want to be high maintenance by any means but If I'm being real, I do think I'm not ready for this solo act just yet. Now that the the people have left, I'm forced to deal with EVERYTHING and It's kinda scary. I know I must heal and in dealing with these things, there is healing so I suppose it isn't too terribly awful. It's just a roller coaster of emotions. So many of them in the form of missing my husband. I've been thinking about him so much lately.

I guess if your the praying kind and I happen to cross your mind, please keep sending those prayers up. I am very much encouraged by prayer and at this moment, not only do I need to be doing a whole lot of praying, but I think I need a whole lot too.