Well.....

It's Friday night, the kids are asleep and here I sit.... alone. With the sound of the dishwasher running in the background and the ceiling fan blowing. I am alone. All alone. I should be happy for the peace but I'm not. I am sad and full of neediness. I want to be held. I want to feel loved and safe. I long to laugh and to be wanted. I miss my husband. Sometimes, missing him is just a part of life. Other times, it's almost unbearable. Like now for instance.

It's the little things you know. The family movie nights, the date nights, the glass of wine and time spent together snuggling on the couch. Even just having someone to defend my point of view. Someone on my team, someone who "gets" it. All those things I took for granted that I can never have again. I'M LONELY. I'm so very lonely. I know there's a purpose for all of this but this very second, I despise it. I am hurting and I don't think anyone could possibly imagine this feeling, the absence of this piece of my heart deep within my soul. This should be getting easier, right? You'd think so but it seems to be getting more difficult. How is that even possible?

I ask for a dream, something to get me by. A hope, a promise. Something...... Anything....

Yesterday was three months. 3 entire months since my husband left this earth. Seems like so much longer and yet, not long enough. I sometimes wish it were a year, or even two. That way, maybe I wouldn't be feeling so lost and so entirely alone. Maybe I'd be moving on with my life in a positive and productive way. I would hope so.

It's easy for me to wish to be somewhere else to escape this reality. Can I just say how much this sucks? It almost doesn't seem fair. To have to go through hell when Dan was sick then hell again when he died then hell again when he left us with nothing but a bazillion dollars in debt and lawsuits and then hell with THIS! No wonder I seem crazy. Wow, maybe I am crazy. Although I don't think I want to medicate for fear of gaining weight. Maybe I'm not crazy, just angry. Or maybe a lot of every emotion intensified. So much for that girl who took everything eloquently and with grace huh. I need an attitude adjustment-

Life isn't going to change because I'm crying about it or because I'm lonely. Money isn't going to drop from the sky so that I can pay off all the debt and lawsuits, pay off my truck and buy a home to call our own for the kids and I. Moving forward isn't just going to happen over night. Giant steps are impossible, baby steps are entirely doable.

Now, if I only knew where to start or had a thought process to even do it. My mind is only capable of a certain amount of thinking in a 24 hour period. Anything above that and I just shut down mentally. I think it's the direct result of the past year. My brain has literally turned to mush. I'm starting to really sound like a mental patient arent I? As it so happens, on top of my mental instability, my allergies are HORRIBLE and my nose is a runny faucet. Nice analogy huh? So I'm off to take some Benedryl and possibly have one more good cry.

Tomorrow has to be better...right?