Bitter Sweet

Here I sit after yet another fun filled day at "The Happiest Place on Earth". What a whirlwind of emotions I've had these past few days. I can't recall ever being so happy and yet so sad all in the same moment.

The last time we were at Disney, Dan was alive. Now, here I am back again with my kids, celebrating the twins 4th birthday at Disneyland, without their daddy. It is truly bitter sweet. Every corner I turned, it seemed as though I was reminded of that time. So many triggers, so many happy memories. Then, with my sweet boys turning four, I feel as though I've almost missed out on the last six months of their life. It is a huge milestone but one I wasn't quite ready for. I wish I could go back and cherish every moment of them being 3. Of watching them with their daddy, playing and being boys, when he could actually interact with them. I'm sure Dan was there with us, we just couldn't see him. I'm certain my boys must of felt his presence. One of them said it was his bestest birthday ever. Maybe it was and maybe that's my clue that their hearts are beginning to heal too. It's crazy to think about. To think that none of us will ever get to have another birthday quite like the ones we had in the past. Now, it's all about new beginnings. Most days I say "bring it on" however not so much this week.

My kids sure needed this vacation. We all did really. As emotional as it has been for me, up to this point, I've enjoyed myself. It's all just the process I suppose. More of that healing stuff. I know I have to go through it, even when I'm on vacation and even when I don't particularly want to. It's life. It's definitely my life and that's okay.