Reevaluating

This week was exhausting, there's no denying that. Our family vacation really was wonderful. Disneyland, Sea World and of course, San Diego. Non stop running, non stop fun and non stop thoughts. My mind has been on hyper drive. Thinking thinking and thinking some more. Being in California had some serious effect on my thought processes. Every step I took, every corner I turned, a memory. A memory of my life as it once was and a whole lot of reevaluation of the life I now call my own.

I realized so many things while I was away, one of which I'm not all that proud of. I don't really recognize myself these days. As much as I can pretend to be the person I was, I am not. I'm lonely and often times, emotional. Full of doubt and confusion. I miss my husband. I miss all of him. He was proud of me, you know? PROUD! I miss that too. Someone to lift me up, someone to catch me when I fall. I'm doing a whole lot of falling lately. I miss all the silly things. The guilty pleasures of midnight ice cream runs and hot baths. I just plain miss him terribly. From the depths of my soul, I miss him. I miss how he made me feel. How he made me laugh. He thought I was beautiful and strong. He thought I was everything. He loved me, he loved my body, baby scars and all. Now, all of that is but a memory. That man, that brave strong man is no longer standing beside me and I feel weak. Weary. Lost. Vulnerable. LONELY. Who am I? Where is that strong woman I once knew and where on earth do I find her?

As life would have it, California, brought a lot of my feelings to the surface. Things I hadn't really let out. I realized that I long to LIVE! What that exactly entails, I have no idea. Maybe it's doing something crazy, getting a tattoo or spending the summer with my kids in California. Maybe it's trying something new, finding a new hobby or passion. Or maybe it's just making sure that I have absolutely no regrets. I'm telling ya, there's just something about the ocean, the breeze and the sound of the waves crashing against the shoreline. It's peaceful and surrendering. It was there that I also realized just how short life is. Not that losing Dan hadn't already shown me but it was so foggy for so long after his loss that I hadn't fully grasp the depth of it. Somehow I was awoken with the ocean air and without a doubt, I know completely that it's too short to be wasted. Kids grow too fast, people die too suddenly and life passes us by too quickly. Sure, there are responsibilities and things I must do but living life can no longer be just passing time. What if I died tomorrow? Would my kids know how much I love them? Would they know each and every small thing that I adore about them?Would my parents know how thankful I am for their support and love? Would they know how unbelievably amazing I think they are? Would my friends know why I admire them so much? What I love about them? Would my sister know how much I need her and value her as my sister and as my friend? I have to make certain that the people in my life know how much they mean to me. I have to live this life I've been given and spend every moment holding those closest to my heart because tomorrow may be all we have.