Thirty Six?

Tomorrow, I will be another year older. Tomorrow, another year wiser (let's hope) and most certainly another year wrinklier. Ah yes, with age comes not only wisdom but more character lines. Can you not feel my overflowing joy and excitement with that undeniable truth? Seriously, four years closer to middle age? Whoa, how did that happen?

It's crazy how time changes us. It changes everything. Our relationships, the way we think, the way we look and even, sometimes, the way we live. If you would have asked me two years ago where I thought I'd be at this very moment, I would never have said "A working widowed mom of four actually considering dating"! I never would have guessed just how sweet my relationships with those closest to my heart could be and I never would have imagined moving forward after such a heartbreaking loss. Yet, here I am-amazed, shocked and even with some of the changes, surprisingly overjoyed with how things have turned out.

One of the most influencial people in my life is my Nana. For as long as I can remember, she has celebrated her birthdays with unwaivering grace and joy. I have been blessed to say that I have actually absorbed a thing or two from this incredible lady and in recent days have realized that 36 is just another stepping stone on my life's path. The steps I have taken to get here have been far from easy but I am certain that I have learned, that I have grown and quite possibly that I have even strengthened. Maybe I'll make it to 95 one day, just like my Nana. If I can impact even half of the people she has in her 95 years, I will be happy. Now, if only I could say the same about my wrinkles and dark eye circles. They are after all, here to stay, might as well keep em.

Live intentionally, Laugh uncontrollably and most of all Love others just as God loves each of us ....

Time

I know, I know I've been MIA. Yes, I do realize it's been seven long months since I've written something substantial or really anything for that matter. It's not you, really, it's me. I was somewhere between fog and reality and just did not have time to get on here and blog. But alas, here I am with a not so profound posting but one that means more to me than you could possibly imagine.

It's been over a year since my precious husband left this earth. Over a year! It seems crazy that it's been a over a year. It's difficult to believe isn't it? Time certainly passes us by quickly. Months are minutes and moments are a blink of the eye.

Someone once told me that time heals all pain, I didn't believe them. How on earth can time mend a heart so badly broken that it seems beyond repair? How can time bring happiness that seemed forever lost? How? I didn't understand. I couldn't see that far ahead of me, all I could see was where I had been and the moment I was in.

Then it seems that as quickly as my life had changed, it started to become normal again. I could feel, I could smile and I was laughing. I was actually happy. My heart was no longer broken into pieces, it was healing. Time was healing me. TIME WAS HEALING ME! It was astounding to me. I think I'm still in shock but none-the-less, Now, I believe. I do, I really do. Time does heal pain.

My life is completely different now and I'm okay with that. I've learned to live it and somewhere along the way, I've miraculously started enjoying living it. Who would have ever thought that? Certainly not I. But here I am and I AM DOING IT! WOW, I really am doing it. I don't want to toot my own horn but by golly there is certainly some excitement in how far I've come.

Heart ache happens and it changes us but it doesn't have to change us in a negative way. If we can just walk through the pain, we can come out on the other side changed in a way we never even thought possible. Stronger, happier and perhaps even better than we ever imagined. If I can do it, I know you can do it!

Happy New year my friends (albeit a tad late) make this year count!

Anger and Acceptance

I sat in the silence for hours driving and thinking. Where should my life be at this moment? Where do my kids need it to be? For many months, I really wasn't sure of much of anything except for the absolute anger I felt. I won't deny it, it festered and erupted over and over again for months. The anger of the loss of Dan, the anger towards God, the anger I felt for the overwhelming financial burdens that my husband left me with. All of it changed me, changed my heart.

It just didn't seem fair that a man so young with so much to live for and a family would have to suffer so much only to lose his life. I was angry that God felt I could handle this. I was angry that He allowed it to happen, that He allowed my children to no longer have a dad. I was so angry in fact that I stopped going to church, I stopped tithing and I stopped praying. I even stopped believing for a while. I mean I always knew He was there but He no longer filled my heart, it just wasn't there anymore, the fire was nearly out.

It was like a huge pile of madness and anger dwelling inside my heart instead. I was boiling over the financial ruin that I was left with. Granted, a lot of the financial issues weren't Dans fault, all the medical bills and such but there is a lot, a whole lot, where that fault can be placed. I also can't deny the gut wrenching sadness I felt when I found out there was no life insurance. NONE. Even after years of being told by Dan that there was. Why would someone lie about something like that? I just didn't understand it and maybe it's something I never will. I had to accept it and move on. Seems simple, right? Well, it wasn't.

You see that's the part I'd been having the most difficult time with, acceptance. Accepting the new life I'd been given. Accepting the fact that I no longer had a significant other to pick up the slack and do all the things I "used" to think women didn't do. Things like car maintenance, manual labor and camping. Yes, I said camping. Go ahead laugh at me, it's funny. I'm laughing at myself as I type this. Even the things that I didn't like to do, things that I almost despised doing, Dan would do for me. It's sad really because I never balanced a check book or paid a bill. I never had to worry about anything because Dan took care of it. He took care of it all and I liked it that way. I liked it A LOT! Now, here I was raising our four kids on my own (albeit with the help of my folks) and having to take on EVERYTHING. I was angry about it and I fought it with all my might.

Fortunately for me, things didn't change, even with as much as I was hoping they would. I was still forced to do it all, I had no other choice. No one was going to come along and do it for me. No one was going to take on everything. Not even God. There were many well meaning friends and family members that came alongside me and gave me the tough love talk but I didn't listen. I had to learn for myself. I had to get through it. As stubborn as I'd been known to be (and admittedly often times still am) and as much as I fought it, one day I just woke up. I realized all I had been fighting wasn't getting me anywhere but more angry and it was taking me further and further away from where I should be. That was the moment that defined this entire situation. It's my life and I have two choices. I can fight it and be miserable or I can embrace it and be content. I choose contentment.

So, here I am back to blogging and working towards where I "should" be with my life, my kids, my faith and of course, my heart. The bitterness and anger have finally checked out. I've started back to church and back to opening my heart for all that He has planned for us. I've finally awaken from the fog and am really trying to accept even those things I don't like as learning experiences. Heck, I even sawed a few logs for firewood when we went camping but that is another story entirely.

There is also a lesson for my readers in this story, YOU NEED TO KNOW HOW TO DO THINGS FOR YOURSELF AND IT'S IMPERATIVE to know everything about your financial situation. EVERYTHING. Because one day, you just may find yourself where I am and it's not anything anyone should go through while grieving the loss of a loved one (even if it was self inflicted on my part).

Transparently yours,

The End of an Era

Not sure why I never posted this? At any rate, I am back and trying to catch everyone up. So sit back and enjoy the ride....

35? How did that happen? My early thirties have officially turned into my "mid thirties". Last month I was thinking "thirty five-schmirty five, I"m too young to be 35". I think- I was in denial. But NOW, I've embraced it. Well, sort of. Aside from the very much greying of my hairs (thanks Dad and to that darned "Austin" gene) and those few wrinkles I'm trying to get rid of .... I guess 35 isn't so bad. It's almost worth celebrating. The end of an era and the start of new and WONDERFUL beginnings. A new chapter.....

I admit, I do miss the old chapter. I know I say this all the time but I missed not having Dan here to celebrate my birthday with. Although, I think he'd be pretty proud of where I am right now. That I'm pushing forward through all of the obstacles. That I haven't stayed in bed and withered away. I can't take the credit for it though. I'm am surrounded by some pretty amazing people and with their love and support, I'm making it through. Each and every day. I'm also pretty certain that I've been carried on many a day.

Cheers to good ol' 35. April the 20 the 9th (that's what I used to call it when I was five) may make me a year older but it is truly a day to enjoy. A day to CELEBRATE all the many blessings in my life.

The Birthday girl (yeah I'm cheesy like that),

Can you still be "Fireproof" if your not married?

I missed last weekends service at church because I was at the women's retreat but I had known that it was the beginning of a new series entitled Fireproof. I had mixed feelings about even attending because It was a marriage based series and obviously, I no longer fall into that category. It almost felt as though I was venturing into something I wasn't sure I was really even ready for.

You see, Dan and I had only been on the same page in our marriage the year he died. I know now, looking back that it was all Gods plan. We went to a marriage seminar at the beginning of 2008 compliments of friends and it literally changed our lives and our marriage. We were at an amazing place in our marriage and were always looking for more to enhance and enrich it. Then, the Fireproof movie premiered. We both wanted to see it but never had the chance. He was just too sick to do much of anything and so, I sat it on my heart waiting for the opportunity. The desire to see the movie eventually faded as our marriage had, the moment I lost him.

Now, here I was having to face something that was literally torn from my heart. I wasn't sure how I'd react, let alone how my emotional state would be afterwards. Ironically, walking in to church was totally fine. I felt refreshed from the retreat and I was pretty happy. I was also not going to be alone at the service (which is huge) because my good friends were meeting me there. The series was amazing as they typically are at CCV. Then, they began talking about radically breaking free from the temptations that fuel you and the band played "AMAZING GRACE".

That song has profound meaning in my life. Somewhere in the middle of 2008, shortly after Dan, Bay and I were baptized, I had heard the Chris Tomlin version. Each time I would hear it, it brought me to tears. It's the song we played at the end of Dan's memorial because his chains were gone and he truly was set free.

So, as the band sang, people started standing up. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and my sweet friend stood up with me and wrapped her arms around me as tightly as she could possibly get them. Emotion completely rose to the surface and I let go of all that I had apparently been holding in. At that moment, I was very much truly a widow. At that moment, I really didn't have a significant other. I was, *gulp*, alone. Thank God for Jenny because I don't think I could have faced much more of the service without her. Then as quickly as they had flowed, the tears stopped and I was as okay as I was gonna be in that moment.

I don't know what I'm supposed to learn from this. I don't know what Gods plan is in my life with all of this marriage series stuff but I'm pretty sure I will come away from it a stronger more confident woman of Christ. I'm also pretty certain that I can face all of it as long as He carries me (and He will) during the difficult and emotional parts. Which reminds me, I'm also thinking I probably need to continue to surround myself with amazing friends at service so I'm not sitting there alone. Hugs from loved ones during the tears are so much better than trying to hug yourself. Don'tcha think? At any rate, maybe you can be "Fireproof" and not be married.

Blessings,

Reflections of last Easter

A year ago we celebrated Easter as a family of six. Never in a million years had I thought it would be our last as a family of six. Our last with Dan.

He colored eggs with the kids and played with them just before church. I remember how happy he was that the day we gave our lives to Christ, was Easter Sunday. He got a kick out of the boys saying they wanted to throw their hearts in the baptismal and give them to "cheese-us" too.

This Easter will be bitter sweet. Knowing that my husband is in heaven because of the steps he took a year ago is nothing short of sheer sweetness. I do however miss him more than anyone could possibly imagine. The bitterness is in having to celebrate this holiday without him. He is very much going to be missed this Sunday.

Cleaning for a cause...or something like it

The only way my life is going to move forward is if I make some changes. Some changes I am forced to make. For instance, not getting food help anymore. The state is in control and no matter how much I beg and plead, they may not give me said food assistance after the month of April. If that is the case, I would be forced to pay for preschool which at this very moment, I do not have the financial means to do. Therefore, I need a plan. Something to keep my precious little munchkins in school until summer is here.

I also just plain need to move forward. In a mere 28 days, I will be 35. 35 years old people! 35 with four children living with my parents....... with no job and no true means of supporting myself. It's sad isn't it? Really. You can feel sorry for me, go ahead. Lord knows that at times I even feel sorry for me. It's not what I intended as my ever after but when your husband is diagnosed with cancer and dies within three months of that diagnosis, nothing is sacred anymore. The rug was literally pulled out from underneath my feet. It hurts like hell but no matter how much crying and screaming I do, it won't change my circumstance.

Bills, bills and more bills. In all honesty, if I could just pay off my truck, I'd be in a lot better state. Probably capable of moving forward sooner rather than later. Sooner sounds so much better than later doesn't it? So, in order to do that, keep my kids in school until summer and just plain get on with the moving forward of life, I've started to put a plan in place. A "goals" sort of list. It goes something like this....

1. Make Money to keep boys in school
2. Make Money to pay off car
3. Make money to start saving for a house of our own
4. Make money to pay off debt
5. Get skinny

I understand the get skinny thing throws off the goals list but I do need to get skinny so it's on the top five. Besides, if I'm making money I could join a gym to aid in the "get skinny" part.

Anyhow, I've mentioned this in past blog posts and I'm bringing it up again. Cleaning. Along with my friend, we have the potential to do great things with our small cleaning business. Yesterday, we went to a meeting regarding housing restoration and we were only one of two cleaning teams there. Seriously, if all goes well, this could be a HUGE opportunity for us. In the meantime, we will be working on business strategy and marketing. We are also still very interested in residential homes and possibly business cleaning opportunities. At present time we have a few homes we are cleaning. I'll be sending out a mass email with details and our contact info. very soon. Please, absolutely keep us in mind if you or someone you know needs cleaning. We can even come with references.

Thanks for your consideration and just plain sticking around to read my sometimes not so inspiring blog.