Anger and Acceptance

I sat in the silence for hours driving and thinking. Where should my life be at this moment? Where do my kids need it to be? For many months, I really wasn't sure of much of anything except for the absolute anger I felt. I won't deny it, it festered and erupted over and over again for months. The anger of the loss of Dan, the anger towards God, the anger I felt for the overwhelming financial burdens that my husband left me with. All of it changed me, changed my heart.

It just didn't seem fair that a man so young with so much to live for and a family would have to suffer so much only to lose his life. I was angry that God felt I could handle this. I was angry that He allowed it to happen, that He allowed my children to no longer have a dad. I was so angry in fact that I stopped going to church, I stopped tithing and I stopped praying. I even stopped believing for a while. I mean I always knew He was there but He no longer filled my heart, it just wasn't there anymore, the fire was nearly out.

It was like a huge pile of madness and anger dwelling inside my heart instead. I was boiling over the financial ruin that I was left with. Granted, a lot of the financial issues weren't Dans fault, all the medical bills and such but there is a lot, a whole lot, where that fault can be placed. I also can't deny the gut wrenching sadness I felt when I found out there was no life insurance. NONE. Even after years of being told by Dan that there was. Why would someone lie about something like that? I just didn't understand it and maybe it's something I never will. I had to accept it and move on. Seems simple, right? Well, it wasn't.

You see that's the part I'd been having the most difficult time with, acceptance. Accepting the new life I'd been given. Accepting the fact that I no longer had a significant other to pick up the slack and do all the things I "used" to think women didn't do. Things like car maintenance, manual labor and camping. Yes, I said camping. Go ahead laugh at me, it's funny. I'm laughing at myself as I type this. Even the things that I didn't like to do, things that I almost despised doing, Dan would do for me. It's sad really because I never balanced a check book or paid a bill. I never had to worry about anything because Dan took care of it. He took care of it all and I liked it that way. I liked it A LOT! Now, here I was raising our four kids on my own (albeit with the help of my folks) and having to take on EVERYTHING. I was angry about it and I fought it with all my might.

Fortunately for me, things didn't change, even with as much as I was hoping they would. I was still forced to do it all, I had no other choice. No one was going to come along and do it for me. No one was going to take on everything. Not even God. There were many well meaning friends and family members that came alongside me and gave me the tough love talk but I didn't listen. I had to learn for myself. I had to get through it. As stubborn as I'd been known to be (and admittedly often times still am) and as much as I fought it, one day I just woke up. I realized all I had been fighting wasn't getting me anywhere but more angry and it was taking me further and further away from where I should be. That was the moment that defined this entire situation. It's my life and I have two choices. I can fight it and be miserable or I can embrace it and be content. I choose contentment.

So, here I am back to blogging and working towards where I "should" be with my life, my kids, my faith and of course, my heart. The bitterness and anger have finally checked out. I've started back to church and back to opening my heart for all that He has planned for us. I've finally awaken from the fog and am really trying to accept even those things I don't like as learning experiences. Heck, I even sawed a few logs for firewood when we went camping but that is another story entirely.

There is also a lesson for my readers in this story, YOU NEED TO KNOW HOW TO DO THINGS FOR YOURSELF AND IT'S IMPERATIVE to know everything about your financial situation. EVERYTHING. Because one day, you just may find yourself where I am and it's not anything anyone should go through while grieving the loss of a loved one (even if it was self inflicted on my part).

Transparently yours,

The End of an Era

Not sure why I never posted this? At any rate, I am back and trying to catch everyone up. So sit back and enjoy the ride....

35? How did that happen? My early thirties have officially turned into my "mid thirties". Last month I was thinking "thirty five-schmirty five, I"m too young to be 35". I think- I was in denial. But NOW, I've embraced it. Well, sort of. Aside from the very much greying of my hairs (thanks Dad and to that darned "Austin" gene) and those few wrinkles I'm trying to get rid of .... I guess 35 isn't so bad. It's almost worth celebrating. The end of an era and the start of new and WONDERFUL beginnings. A new chapter.....

I admit, I do miss the old chapter. I know I say this all the time but I missed not having Dan here to celebrate my birthday with. Although, I think he'd be pretty proud of where I am right now. That I'm pushing forward through all of the obstacles. That I haven't stayed in bed and withered away. I can't take the credit for it though. I'm am surrounded by some pretty amazing people and with their love and support, I'm making it through. Each and every day. I'm also pretty certain that I've been carried on many a day.

Cheers to good ol' 35. April the 20 the 9th (that's what I used to call it when I was five) may make me a year older but it is truly a day to enjoy. A day to CELEBRATE all the many blessings in my life.

The Birthday girl (yeah I'm cheesy like that),

Can you still be "Fireproof" if your not married?

I missed last weekends service at church because I was at the women's retreat but I had known that it was the beginning of a new series entitled Fireproof. I had mixed feelings about even attending because It was a marriage based series and obviously, I no longer fall into that category. It almost felt as though I was venturing into something I wasn't sure I was really even ready for.

You see, Dan and I had only been on the same page in our marriage the year he died. I know now, looking back that it was all Gods plan. We went to a marriage seminar at the beginning of 2008 compliments of friends and it literally changed our lives and our marriage. We were at an amazing place in our marriage and were always looking for more to enhance and enrich it. Then, the Fireproof movie premiered. We both wanted to see it but never had the chance. He was just too sick to do much of anything and so, I sat it on my heart waiting for the opportunity. The desire to see the movie eventually faded as our marriage had, the moment I lost him.

Now, here I was having to face something that was literally torn from my heart. I wasn't sure how I'd react, let alone how my emotional state would be afterwards. Ironically, walking in to church was totally fine. I felt refreshed from the retreat and I was pretty happy. I was also not going to be alone at the service (which is huge) because my good friends were meeting me there. The series was amazing as they typically are at CCV. Then, they began talking about radically breaking free from the temptations that fuel you and the band played "AMAZING GRACE".

That song has profound meaning in my life. Somewhere in the middle of 2008, shortly after Dan, Bay and I were baptized, I had heard the Chris Tomlin version. Each time I would hear it, it brought me to tears. It's the song we played at the end of Dan's memorial because his chains were gone and he truly was set free.

So, as the band sang, people started standing up. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and my sweet friend stood up with me and wrapped her arms around me as tightly as she could possibly get them. Emotion completely rose to the surface and I let go of all that I had apparently been holding in. At that moment, I was very much truly a widow. At that moment, I really didn't have a significant other. I was, *gulp*, alone. Thank God for Jenny because I don't think I could have faced much more of the service without her. Then as quickly as they had flowed, the tears stopped and I was as okay as I was gonna be in that moment.

I don't know what I'm supposed to learn from this. I don't know what Gods plan is in my life with all of this marriage series stuff but I'm pretty sure I will come away from it a stronger more confident woman of Christ. I'm also pretty certain that I can face all of it as long as He carries me (and He will) during the difficult and emotional parts. Which reminds me, I'm also thinking I probably need to continue to surround myself with amazing friends at service so I'm not sitting there alone. Hugs from loved ones during the tears are so much better than trying to hug yourself. Don'tcha think? At any rate, maybe you can be "Fireproof" and not be married.

Blessings,

Reflections of last Easter

A year ago we celebrated Easter as a family of six. Never in a million years had I thought it would be our last as a family of six. Our last with Dan.

He colored eggs with the kids and played with them just before church. I remember how happy he was that the day we gave our lives to Christ, was Easter Sunday. He got a kick out of the boys saying they wanted to throw their hearts in the baptismal and give them to "cheese-us" too.

This Easter will be bitter sweet. Knowing that my husband is in heaven because of the steps he took a year ago is nothing short of sheer sweetness. I do however miss him more than anyone could possibly imagine. The bitterness is in having to celebrate this holiday without him. He is very much going to be missed this Sunday.

Cleaning for a cause...or something like it

The only way my life is going to move forward is if I make some changes. Some changes I am forced to make. For instance, not getting food help anymore. The state is in control and no matter how much I beg and plead, they may not give me said food assistance after the month of April. If that is the case, I would be forced to pay for preschool which at this very moment, I do not have the financial means to do. Therefore, I need a plan. Something to keep my precious little munchkins in school until summer is here.

I also just plain need to move forward. In a mere 28 days, I will be 35. 35 years old people! 35 with four children living with my parents....... with no job and no true means of supporting myself. It's sad isn't it? Really. You can feel sorry for me, go ahead. Lord knows that at times I even feel sorry for me. It's not what I intended as my ever after but when your husband is diagnosed with cancer and dies within three months of that diagnosis, nothing is sacred anymore. The rug was literally pulled out from underneath my feet. It hurts like hell but no matter how much crying and screaming I do, it won't change my circumstance.

Bills, bills and more bills. In all honesty, if I could just pay off my truck, I'd be in a lot better state. Probably capable of moving forward sooner rather than later. Sooner sounds so much better than later doesn't it? So, in order to do that, keep my kids in school until summer and just plain get on with the moving forward of life, I've started to put a plan in place. A "goals" sort of list. It goes something like this....

1. Make Money to keep boys in school
2. Make Money to pay off car
3. Make money to start saving for a house of our own
4. Make money to pay off debt
5. Get skinny

I understand the get skinny thing throws off the goals list but I do need to get skinny so it's on the top five. Besides, if I'm making money I could join a gym to aid in the "get skinny" part.

Anyhow, I've mentioned this in past blog posts and I'm bringing it up again. Cleaning. Along with my friend, we have the potential to do great things with our small cleaning business. Yesterday, we went to a meeting regarding housing restoration and we were only one of two cleaning teams there. Seriously, if all goes well, this could be a HUGE opportunity for us. In the meantime, we will be working on business strategy and marketing. We are also still very interested in residential homes and possibly business cleaning opportunities. At present time we have a few homes we are cleaning. I'll be sending out a mass email with details and our contact info. very soon. Please, absolutely keep us in mind if you or someone you know needs cleaning. We can even come with references.

Thanks for your consideration and just plain sticking around to read my sometimes not so inspiring blog.

Well.....

It's Friday night, the kids are asleep and here I sit.... alone. With the sound of the dishwasher running in the background and the ceiling fan blowing. I am alone. All alone. I should be happy for the peace but I'm not. I am sad and full of neediness. I want to be held. I want to feel loved and safe. I long to laugh and to be wanted. I miss my husband. Sometimes, missing him is just a part of life. Other times, it's almost unbearable. Like now for instance.

It's the little things you know. The family movie nights, the date nights, the glass of wine and time spent together snuggling on the couch. Even just having someone to defend my point of view. Someone on my team, someone who "gets" it. All those things I took for granted that I can never have again. I'M LONELY. I'm so very lonely. I know there's a purpose for all of this but this very second, I despise it. I am hurting and I don't think anyone could possibly imagine this feeling, the absence of this piece of my heart deep within my soul. This should be getting easier, right? You'd think so but it seems to be getting more difficult. How is that even possible?

I ask for a dream, something to get me by. A hope, a promise. Something...... Anything....

Yesterday was three months. 3 entire months since my husband left this earth. Seems like so much longer and yet, not long enough. I sometimes wish it were a year, or even two. That way, maybe I wouldn't be feeling so lost and so entirely alone. Maybe I'd be moving on with my life in a positive and productive way. I would hope so.

It's easy for me to wish to be somewhere else to escape this reality. Can I just say how much this sucks? It almost doesn't seem fair. To have to go through hell when Dan was sick then hell again when he died then hell again when he left us with nothing but a bazillion dollars in debt and lawsuits and then hell with THIS! No wonder I seem crazy. Wow, maybe I am crazy. Although I don't think I want to medicate for fear of gaining weight. Maybe I'm not crazy, just angry. Or maybe a lot of every emotion intensified. So much for that girl who took everything eloquently and with grace huh. I need an attitude adjustment-

Life isn't going to change because I'm crying about it or because I'm lonely. Money isn't going to drop from the sky so that I can pay off all the debt and lawsuits, pay off my truck and buy a home to call our own for the kids and I. Moving forward isn't just going to happen over night. Giant steps are impossible, baby steps are entirely doable.

Now, if I only knew where to start or had a thought process to even do it. My mind is only capable of a certain amount of thinking in a 24 hour period. Anything above that and I just shut down mentally. I think it's the direct result of the past year. My brain has literally turned to mush. I'm starting to really sound like a mental patient arent I? As it so happens, on top of my mental instability, my allergies are HORRIBLE and my nose is a runny faucet. Nice analogy huh? So I'm off to take some Benedryl and possibly have one more good cry.

Tomorrow has to be better...right?

More Brain dumping....

I actually wrote this some time ago but seeing that I have writers block lately, I'm going ahead and publishing it now for your reading (dis) pleasure....

I've been in a slump. I've been weary and I feel defenseless. Lonely. Lost.

In trying to figure out where all this is coming from, I've been looking at my life. What is different now that wasn't two weeks ago? The obvious comes to mind, the flood of emotions from the vacation, past and upcoming holidays, the 26th of the month.... Those things are and will be very much backwards steps on my journey. I haven't been spending as much alone time as I should with God. That's HUGE in my attitude and the way I deal with things. How can Christ shine through me if I don't spend any time with him? I've also realized most all of the people have left. I don't mean that negatively, it just is what it is.

I'm no longer surrounding myself with prayer which probably is my fault because I haven't asked for it (and I KNOW I really need it). I cancelled meals and laundry help some time ago, which I am totally capable of taking care of on my own but I'm honestly missing the fellowship. Talking to all those amazing women and their support that came along with the meal deliveries and laundry pick ups and drop offs. I miss that a lot. I know I still have their support but it's different when you have to seek it out instead of it just coming to you. Does that even make sense? Sometimes I question my thought process. Likewise with my family, i will always have the support of my family but now it's different.

People don't intentionally "go away" they just go back to leading their normal lives. They go back to work, to school, to plans. They stop calling, emailing and checking on you. They just get busy and the sadness for you that they felt slowly falls into the back of their mind. Life is normal for them and why wouldn't it be?

The loss of a spouse directly happened to me. I'm not looking at it from the outside, I'm living it. There is no going back to a normal life. It's drastically different. Plans don't matter much and sometimes, lately... or rather, these past two weeks, just getting through the day with a smile is a HUGE step forward.

Please don't think I'm saying this because I think you've been slacking. That's not why I'm bringing any of this up. I do have people in my life who are still on high "Shelly" alert ". It's almost as if they are in brain and they know the exact moment that I need them. They really do help me get through through the darkest of dark moments. Sometimes, I do feel bad because it's the same people that I unload on over and over again. I worry that it might be too much or that they may be getting overloaded with my problems and I don't want to do that either. "DEEP SIGH". As I saying this, I realize that my Grief Share is a huge source of support for me. They arent going anywhere and I know that each and every one of them "get it" because they are all or have gone through exactly what I am at this very moment.

I guess I'm merely speaking from the heart. My readers know that sometimes, I'm honest to a flaw which may or may not always be a good thing but it is who I am. I'm learning all of this as I go really. I don't want to be high maintenance by any means but If I'm being real, I do think I'm not ready for this solo act just yet. Now that the the people have left, I'm forced to deal with EVERYTHING and It's kinda scary. I know I must heal and in dealing with these things, there is healing so I suppose it isn't too terribly awful. It's just a roller coaster of emotions. So many of them in the form of missing my husband. I've been thinking about him so much lately.

I guess if your the praying kind and I happen to cross your mind, please keep sending those prayers up. I am very much encouraged by prayer and at this moment, not only do I need to be doing a whole lot of praying, but I think I need a whole lot too.