In the middle

I'm in the middle. It's the place between here and there. The place where I think that maybe I'm ready to start dating and moving forward and what having a new man in my life might be like. But then I remember the there. The place I was at this time two years ago. Where I was happy and content and probably even a little giggly. I was not stuck somewhere in the middle.

I'm not really even sure what the middle is. It's not like I'm flailing about with no direction as to which way is up. Although sometimes, I wonder. Middle isn't necessarily bad but it's not ice cream and cake either. It's sort of like middle class I suppose. It's not rich and it's not poor, it's just somewhere in between. Middle class is OK but middle life, I'm not digging it so much.

I'll be honest and say that I keep waiting for something extraordinary to happen. Hoping for something glorious and powerful and well, just plain fabulous. It's not that I think I deserve it because deserve isn't my favorite word and not one I like to use, It's more of a hope. A hope deep inside my soul. A twinkle with any belief at all, will one day shine again. For me, It's almost as if there should be more of something, less of something else and an entire cloud of plain unadulterated joy and laughter. The kind that fills your soul and you float. Love is like that. It gives you wings to fly, it makes you feel safe and warm. I remember that feeling well. The butterflies and gigglyness. Just thinking about it makes me miss him and then I wonder, could I even ever love another man the way I loved him?

I remember when I was in high school, I thought a certain boy hung the moon and the stars. I remember being heartbroken when I had to leave him to go on a family vacation. I took the shirt off his back and vowed to sleep with it every night, which I did. Eventually however, his smell faded and all I had left was a dirty shirt. I thought I loved that boy with my heart and soul but it was a mere speck compared to what I felt for Dan. That was love. True-real-eternal love. Could I really be that blessed to have it twice in one lifetime?

My son said to me last night as we were snuggling in bed watching a movie, "If you find a new boyfriend, you can marry him and I'll get a new dad...I'm SO EXCITED about that Mom.". Followed a few minutes later by, "my dad died but if we get a new dad, I will hug him". Talk about my heart swelling up inside my chest. This sweet boy wants a dad probably more than I like chocolate. I wonder if he's ready to move on from this middle too?

Thirty Six?

Tomorrow, I will be another year older. Tomorrow, another year wiser (let's hope) and most certainly another year wrinklier. Ah yes, with age comes not only wisdom but more character lines. Can you not feel my overflowing joy and excitement with that undeniable truth? Seriously, four years closer to middle age? Whoa, how did that happen?

It's crazy how time changes us. It changes everything. Our relationships, the way we think, the way we look and even, sometimes, the way we live. If you would have asked me two years ago where I thought I'd be at this very moment, I would never have said "A working widowed mom of four actually considering dating"! I never would have guessed just how sweet my relationships with those closest to my heart could be and I never would have imagined moving forward after such a heartbreaking loss. Yet, here I am-amazed, shocked and even with some of the changes, surprisingly overjoyed with how things have turned out.

One of the most influencial people in my life is my Nana. For as long as I can remember, she has celebrated her birthdays with unwaivering grace and joy. I have been blessed to say that I have actually absorbed a thing or two from this incredible lady and in recent days have realized that 36 is just another stepping stone on my life's path. The steps I have taken to get here have been far from easy but I am certain that I have learned, that I have grown and quite possibly that I have even strengthened. Maybe I'll make it to 95 one day, just like my Nana. If I can impact even half of the people she has in her 95 years, I will be happy. Now, if only I could say the same about my wrinkles and dark eye circles. They are after all, here to stay, might as well keep em.

Live intentionally, Laugh uncontrollably and most of all Love others just as God loves each of us ....

Time

I know, I know I've been MIA. Yes, I do realize it's been seven long months since I've written something substantial or really anything for that matter. It's not you, really, it's me. I was somewhere between fog and reality and just did not have time to get on here and blog. But alas, here I am with a not so profound posting but one that means more to me than you could possibly imagine.

It's been over a year since my precious husband left this earth. Over a year! It seems crazy that it's been a over a year. It's difficult to believe isn't it? Time certainly passes us by quickly. Months are minutes and moments are a blink of the eye.

Someone once told me that time heals all pain, I didn't believe them. How on earth can time mend a heart so badly broken that it seems beyond repair? How can time bring happiness that seemed forever lost? How? I didn't understand. I couldn't see that far ahead of me, all I could see was where I had been and the moment I was in.

Then it seems that as quickly as my life had changed, it started to become normal again. I could feel, I could smile and I was laughing. I was actually happy. My heart was no longer broken into pieces, it was healing. Time was healing me. TIME WAS HEALING ME! It was astounding to me. I think I'm still in shock but none-the-less, Now, I believe. I do, I really do. Time does heal pain.

My life is completely different now and I'm okay with that. I've learned to live it and somewhere along the way, I've miraculously started enjoying living it. Who would have ever thought that? Certainly not I. But here I am and I AM DOING IT! WOW, I really am doing it. I don't want to toot my own horn but by golly there is certainly some excitement in how far I've come.

Heart ache happens and it changes us but it doesn't have to change us in a negative way. If we can just walk through the pain, we can come out on the other side changed in a way we never even thought possible. Stronger, happier and perhaps even better than we ever imagined. If I can do it, I know you can do it!

Happy New year my friends (albeit a tad late) make this year count!

Anger and Acceptance

I sat in the silence for hours driving and thinking. Where should my life be at this moment? Where do my kids need it to be? For many months, I really wasn't sure of much of anything except for the absolute anger I felt. I won't deny it, it festered and erupted over and over again for months. The anger of the loss of Dan, the anger towards God, the anger I felt for the overwhelming financial burdens that my husband left me with. All of it changed me, changed my heart.

It just didn't seem fair that a man so young with so much to live for and a family would have to suffer so much only to lose his life. I was angry that God felt I could handle this. I was angry that He allowed it to happen, that He allowed my children to no longer have a dad. I was so angry in fact that I stopped going to church, I stopped tithing and I stopped praying. I even stopped believing for a while. I mean I always knew He was there but He no longer filled my heart, it just wasn't there anymore, the fire was nearly out.

It was like a huge pile of madness and anger dwelling inside my heart instead. I was boiling over the financial ruin that I was left with. Granted, a lot of the financial issues weren't Dans fault, all the medical bills and such but there is a lot, a whole lot, where that fault can be placed. I also can't deny the gut wrenching sadness I felt when I found out there was no life insurance. NONE. Even after years of being told by Dan that there was. Why would someone lie about something like that? I just didn't understand it and maybe it's something I never will. I had to accept it and move on. Seems simple, right? Well, it wasn't.

You see that's the part I'd been having the most difficult time with, acceptance. Accepting the new life I'd been given. Accepting the fact that I no longer had a significant other to pick up the slack and do all the things I "used" to think women didn't do. Things like car maintenance, manual labor and camping. Yes, I said camping. Go ahead laugh at me, it's funny. I'm laughing at myself as I type this. Even the things that I didn't like to do, things that I almost despised doing, Dan would do for me. It's sad really because I never balanced a check book or paid a bill. I never had to worry about anything because Dan took care of it. He took care of it all and I liked it that way. I liked it A LOT! Now, here I was raising our four kids on my own (albeit with the help of my folks) and having to take on EVERYTHING. I was angry about it and I fought it with all my might.

Fortunately for me, things didn't change, even with as much as I was hoping they would. I was still forced to do it all, I had no other choice. No one was going to come along and do it for me. No one was going to take on everything. Not even God. There were many well meaning friends and family members that came alongside me and gave me the tough love talk but I didn't listen. I had to learn for myself. I had to get through it. As stubborn as I'd been known to be (and admittedly often times still am) and as much as I fought it, one day I just woke up. I realized all I had been fighting wasn't getting me anywhere but more angry and it was taking me further and further away from where I should be. That was the moment that defined this entire situation. It's my life and I have two choices. I can fight it and be miserable or I can embrace it and be content. I choose contentment.

So, here I am back to blogging and working towards where I "should" be with my life, my kids, my faith and of course, my heart. The bitterness and anger have finally checked out. I've started back to church and back to opening my heart for all that He has planned for us. I've finally awaken from the fog and am really trying to accept even those things I don't like as learning experiences. Heck, I even sawed a few logs for firewood when we went camping but that is another story entirely.

There is also a lesson for my readers in this story, YOU NEED TO KNOW HOW TO DO THINGS FOR YOURSELF AND IT'S IMPERATIVE to know everything about your financial situation. EVERYTHING. Because one day, you just may find yourself where I am and it's not anything anyone should go through while grieving the loss of a loved one (even if it was self inflicted on my part).

Transparently yours,

The End of an Era

Not sure why I never posted this? At any rate, I am back and trying to catch everyone up. So sit back and enjoy the ride....

35? How did that happen? My early thirties have officially turned into my "mid thirties". Last month I was thinking "thirty five-schmirty five, I"m too young to be 35". I think- I was in denial. But NOW, I've embraced it. Well, sort of. Aside from the very much greying of my hairs (thanks Dad and to that darned "Austin" gene) and those few wrinkles I'm trying to get rid of .... I guess 35 isn't so bad. It's almost worth celebrating. The end of an era and the start of new and WONDERFUL beginnings. A new chapter.....

I admit, I do miss the old chapter. I know I say this all the time but I missed not having Dan here to celebrate my birthday with. Although, I think he'd be pretty proud of where I am right now. That I'm pushing forward through all of the obstacles. That I haven't stayed in bed and withered away. I can't take the credit for it though. I'm am surrounded by some pretty amazing people and with their love and support, I'm making it through. Each and every day. I'm also pretty certain that I've been carried on many a day.

Cheers to good ol' 35. April the 20 the 9th (that's what I used to call it when I was five) may make me a year older but it is truly a day to enjoy. A day to CELEBRATE all the many blessings in my life.

The Birthday girl (yeah I'm cheesy like that),

Can you still be "Fireproof" if your not married?

I missed last weekends service at church because I was at the women's retreat but I had known that it was the beginning of a new series entitled Fireproof. I had mixed feelings about even attending because It was a marriage based series and obviously, I no longer fall into that category. It almost felt as though I was venturing into something I wasn't sure I was really even ready for.

You see, Dan and I had only been on the same page in our marriage the year he died. I know now, looking back that it was all Gods plan. We went to a marriage seminar at the beginning of 2008 compliments of friends and it literally changed our lives and our marriage. We were at an amazing place in our marriage and were always looking for more to enhance and enrich it. Then, the Fireproof movie premiered. We both wanted to see it but never had the chance. He was just too sick to do much of anything and so, I sat it on my heart waiting for the opportunity. The desire to see the movie eventually faded as our marriage had, the moment I lost him.

Now, here I was having to face something that was literally torn from my heart. I wasn't sure how I'd react, let alone how my emotional state would be afterwards. Ironically, walking in to church was totally fine. I felt refreshed from the retreat and I was pretty happy. I was also not going to be alone at the service (which is huge) because my good friends were meeting me there. The series was amazing as they typically are at CCV. Then, they began talking about radically breaking free from the temptations that fuel you and the band played "AMAZING GRACE".

That song has profound meaning in my life. Somewhere in the middle of 2008, shortly after Dan, Bay and I were baptized, I had heard the Chris Tomlin version. Each time I would hear it, it brought me to tears. It's the song we played at the end of Dan's memorial because his chains were gone and he truly was set free.

So, as the band sang, people started standing up. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and my sweet friend stood up with me and wrapped her arms around me as tightly as she could possibly get them. Emotion completely rose to the surface and I let go of all that I had apparently been holding in. At that moment, I was very much truly a widow. At that moment, I really didn't have a significant other. I was, *gulp*, alone. Thank God for Jenny because I don't think I could have faced much more of the service without her. Then as quickly as they had flowed, the tears stopped and I was as okay as I was gonna be in that moment.

I don't know what I'm supposed to learn from this. I don't know what Gods plan is in my life with all of this marriage series stuff but I'm pretty sure I will come away from it a stronger more confident woman of Christ. I'm also pretty certain that I can face all of it as long as He carries me (and He will) during the difficult and emotional parts. Which reminds me, I'm also thinking I probably need to continue to surround myself with amazing friends at service so I'm not sitting there alone. Hugs from loved ones during the tears are so much better than trying to hug yourself. Don'tcha think? At any rate, maybe you can be "Fireproof" and not be married.

Blessings,

Reflections of last Easter

A year ago we celebrated Easter as a family of six. Never in a million years had I thought it would be our last as a family of six. Our last with Dan.

He colored eggs with the kids and played with them just before church. I remember how happy he was that the day we gave our lives to Christ, was Easter Sunday. He got a kick out of the boys saying they wanted to throw their hearts in the baptismal and give them to "cheese-us" too.

This Easter will be bitter sweet. Knowing that my husband is in heaven because of the steps he took a year ago is nothing short of sheer sweetness. I do however miss him more than anyone could possibly imagine. The bitterness is in having to celebrate this holiday without him. He is very much going to be missed this Sunday.

Cleaning for a cause...or something like it

The only way my life is going to move forward is if I make some changes. Some changes I am forced to make. For instance, not getting food help anymore. The state is in control and no matter how much I beg and plead, they may not give me said food assistance after the month of April. If that is the case, I would be forced to pay for preschool which at this very moment, I do not have the financial means to do. Therefore, I need a plan. Something to keep my precious little munchkins in school until summer is here.

I also just plain need to move forward. In a mere 28 days, I will be 35. 35 years old people! 35 with four children living with my parents....... with no job and no true means of supporting myself. It's sad isn't it? Really. You can feel sorry for me, go ahead. Lord knows that at times I even feel sorry for me. It's not what I intended as my ever after but when your husband is diagnosed with cancer and dies within three months of that diagnosis, nothing is sacred anymore. The rug was literally pulled out from underneath my feet. It hurts like hell but no matter how much crying and screaming I do, it won't change my circumstance.

Bills, bills and more bills. In all honesty, if I could just pay off my truck, I'd be in a lot better state. Probably capable of moving forward sooner rather than later. Sooner sounds so much better than later doesn't it? So, in order to do that, keep my kids in school until summer and just plain get on with the moving forward of life, I've started to put a plan in place. A "goals" sort of list. It goes something like this....

1. Make Money to keep boys in school
2. Make Money to pay off car
3. Make money to start saving for a house of our own
4. Make money to pay off debt
5. Get skinny

I understand the get skinny thing throws off the goals list but I do need to get skinny so it's on the top five. Besides, if I'm making money I could join a gym to aid in the "get skinny" part.

Anyhow, I've mentioned this in past blog posts and I'm bringing it up again. Cleaning. Along with my friend, we have the potential to do great things with our small cleaning business. Yesterday, we went to a meeting regarding housing restoration and we were only one of two cleaning teams there. Seriously, if all goes well, this could be a HUGE opportunity for us. In the meantime, we will be working on business strategy and marketing. We are also still very interested in residential homes and possibly business cleaning opportunities. At present time we have a few homes we are cleaning. I'll be sending out a mass email with details and our contact info. very soon. Please, absolutely keep us in mind if you or someone you know needs cleaning. We can even come with references.

Thanks for your consideration and just plain sticking around to read my sometimes not so inspiring blog.

Well.....

It's Friday night, the kids are asleep and here I sit.... alone. With the sound of the dishwasher running in the background and the ceiling fan blowing. I am alone. All alone. I should be happy for the peace but I'm not. I am sad and full of neediness. I want to be held. I want to feel loved and safe. I long to laugh and to be wanted. I miss my husband. Sometimes, missing him is just a part of life. Other times, it's almost unbearable. Like now for instance.

It's the little things you know. The family movie nights, the date nights, the glass of wine and time spent together snuggling on the couch. Even just having someone to defend my point of view. Someone on my team, someone who "gets" it. All those things I took for granted that I can never have again. I'M LONELY. I'm so very lonely. I know there's a purpose for all of this but this very second, I despise it. I am hurting and I don't think anyone could possibly imagine this feeling, the absence of this piece of my heart deep within my soul. This should be getting easier, right? You'd think so but it seems to be getting more difficult. How is that even possible?

I ask for a dream, something to get me by. A hope, a promise. Something...... Anything....

Yesterday was three months. 3 entire months since my husband left this earth. Seems like so much longer and yet, not long enough. I sometimes wish it were a year, or even two. That way, maybe I wouldn't be feeling so lost and so entirely alone. Maybe I'd be moving on with my life in a positive and productive way. I would hope so.

It's easy for me to wish to be somewhere else to escape this reality. Can I just say how much this sucks? It almost doesn't seem fair. To have to go through hell when Dan was sick then hell again when he died then hell again when he left us with nothing but a bazillion dollars in debt and lawsuits and then hell with THIS! No wonder I seem crazy. Wow, maybe I am crazy. Although I don't think I want to medicate for fear of gaining weight. Maybe I'm not crazy, just angry. Or maybe a lot of every emotion intensified. So much for that girl who took everything eloquently and with grace huh. I need an attitude adjustment-

Life isn't going to change because I'm crying about it or because I'm lonely. Money isn't going to drop from the sky so that I can pay off all the debt and lawsuits, pay off my truck and buy a home to call our own for the kids and I. Moving forward isn't just going to happen over night. Giant steps are impossible, baby steps are entirely doable.

Now, if I only knew where to start or had a thought process to even do it. My mind is only capable of a certain amount of thinking in a 24 hour period. Anything above that and I just shut down mentally. I think it's the direct result of the past year. My brain has literally turned to mush. I'm starting to really sound like a mental patient arent I? As it so happens, on top of my mental instability, my allergies are HORRIBLE and my nose is a runny faucet. Nice analogy huh? So I'm off to take some Benedryl and possibly have one more good cry.

Tomorrow has to be better...right?

More Brain dumping....

I actually wrote this some time ago but seeing that I have writers block lately, I'm going ahead and publishing it now for your reading (dis) pleasure....

I've been in a slump. I've been weary and I feel defenseless. Lonely. Lost.

In trying to figure out where all this is coming from, I've been looking at my life. What is different now that wasn't two weeks ago? The obvious comes to mind, the flood of emotions from the vacation, past and upcoming holidays, the 26th of the month.... Those things are and will be very much backwards steps on my journey. I haven't been spending as much alone time as I should with God. That's HUGE in my attitude and the way I deal with things. How can Christ shine through me if I don't spend any time with him? I've also realized most all of the people have left. I don't mean that negatively, it just is what it is.

I'm no longer surrounding myself with prayer which probably is my fault because I haven't asked for it (and I KNOW I really need it). I cancelled meals and laundry help some time ago, which I am totally capable of taking care of on my own but I'm honestly missing the fellowship. Talking to all those amazing women and their support that came along with the meal deliveries and laundry pick ups and drop offs. I miss that a lot. I know I still have their support but it's different when you have to seek it out instead of it just coming to you. Does that even make sense? Sometimes I question my thought process. Likewise with my family, i will always have the support of my family but now it's different.

People don't intentionally "go away" they just go back to leading their normal lives. They go back to work, to school, to plans. They stop calling, emailing and checking on you. They just get busy and the sadness for you that they felt slowly falls into the back of their mind. Life is normal for them and why wouldn't it be?

The loss of a spouse directly happened to me. I'm not looking at it from the outside, I'm living it. There is no going back to a normal life. It's drastically different. Plans don't matter much and sometimes, lately... or rather, these past two weeks, just getting through the day with a smile is a HUGE step forward.

Please don't think I'm saying this because I think you've been slacking. That's not why I'm bringing any of this up. I do have people in my life who are still on high "Shelly" alert ". It's almost as if they are in brain and they know the exact moment that I need them. They really do help me get through through the darkest of dark moments. Sometimes, I do feel bad because it's the same people that I unload on over and over again. I worry that it might be too much or that they may be getting overloaded with my problems and I don't want to do that either. "DEEP SIGH". As I saying this, I realize that my Grief Share is a huge source of support for me. They arent going anywhere and I know that each and every one of them "get it" because they are all or have gone through exactly what I am at this very moment.

I guess I'm merely speaking from the heart. My readers know that sometimes, I'm honest to a flaw which may or may not always be a good thing but it is who I am. I'm learning all of this as I go really. I don't want to be high maintenance by any means but If I'm being real, I do think I'm not ready for this solo act just yet. Now that the the people have left, I'm forced to deal with EVERYTHING and It's kinda scary. I know I must heal and in dealing with these things, there is healing so I suppose it isn't too terribly awful. It's just a roller coaster of emotions. So many of them in the form of missing my husband. I've been thinking about him so much lately.

I guess if your the praying kind and I happen to cross your mind, please keep sending those prayers up. I am very much encouraged by prayer and at this moment, not only do I need to be doing a whole lot of praying, but I think I need a whole lot too.

Who You'd Be Today?

I heard this song while we were in San Diego. The words are powerful. The video doesnt pertain to Dan but the words sure do..... I miss him so much my heart aches.

Reevaluating

This week was exhausting, there's no denying that. Our family vacation really was wonderful. Disneyland, Sea World and of course, San Diego. Non stop running, non stop fun and non stop thoughts. My mind has been on hyper drive. Thinking thinking and thinking some more. Being in California had some serious effect on my thought processes. Every step I took, every corner I turned, a memory. A memory of my life as it once was and a whole lot of reevaluation of the life I now call my own.

I realized so many things while I was away, one of which I'm not all that proud of. I don't really recognize myself these days. As much as I can pretend to be the person I was, I am not. I'm lonely and often times, emotional. Full of doubt and confusion. I miss my husband. I miss all of him. He was proud of me, you know? PROUD! I miss that too. Someone to lift me up, someone to catch me when I fall. I'm doing a whole lot of falling lately. I miss all the silly things. The guilty pleasures of midnight ice cream runs and hot baths. I just plain miss him terribly. From the depths of my soul, I miss him. I miss how he made me feel. How he made me laugh. He thought I was beautiful and strong. He thought I was everything. He loved me, he loved my body, baby scars and all. Now, all of that is but a memory. That man, that brave strong man is no longer standing beside me and I feel weak. Weary. Lost. Vulnerable. LONELY. Who am I? Where is that strong woman I once knew and where on earth do I find her?

As life would have it, California, brought a lot of my feelings to the surface. Things I hadn't really let out. I realized that I long to LIVE! What that exactly entails, I have no idea. Maybe it's doing something crazy, getting a tattoo or spending the summer with my kids in California. Maybe it's trying something new, finding a new hobby or passion. Or maybe it's just making sure that I have absolutely no regrets. I'm telling ya, there's just something about the ocean, the breeze and the sound of the waves crashing against the shoreline. It's peaceful and surrendering. It was there that I also realized just how short life is. Not that losing Dan hadn't already shown me but it was so foggy for so long after his loss that I hadn't fully grasp the depth of it. Somehow I was awoken with the ocean air and without a doubt, I know completely that it's too short to be wasted. Kids grow too fast, people die too suddenly and life passes us by too quickly. Sure, there are responsibilities and things I must do but living life can no longer be just passing time. What if I died tomorrow? Would my kids know how much I love them? Would they know each and every small thing that I adore about them?Would my parents know how thankful I am for their support and love? Would they know how unbelievably amazing I think they are? Would my friends know why I admire them so much? What I love about them? Would my sister know how much I need her and value her as my sister and as my friend? I have to make certain that the people in my life know how much they mean to me. I have to live this life I've been given and spend every moment holding those closest to my heart because tomorrow may be all we have.

Bitter Sweet

Here I sit after yet another fun filled day at "The Happiest Place on Earth". What a whirlwind of emotions I've had these past few days. I can't recall ever being so happy and yet so sad all in the same moment.

The last time we were at Disney, Dan was alive. Now, here I am back again with my kids, celebrating the twins 4th birthday at Disneyland, without their daddy. It is truly bitter sweet. Every corner I turned, it seemed as though I was reminded of that time. So many triggers, so many happy memories. Then, with my sweet boys turning four, I feel as though I've almost missed out on the last six months of their life. It is a huge milestone but one I wasn't quite ready for. I wish I could go back and cherish every moment of them being 3. Of watching them with their daddy, playing and being boys, when he could actually interact with them. I'm sure Dan was there with us, we just couldn't see him. I'm certain my boys must of felt his presence. One of them said it was his bestest birthday ever. Maybe it was and maybe that's my clue that their hearts are beginning to heal too. It's crazy to think about. To think that none of us will ever get to have another birthday quite like the ones we had in the past. Now, it's all about new beginnings. Most days I say "bring it on" however not so much this week.

My kids sure needed this vacation. We all did really. As emotional as it has been for me, up to this point, I've enjoyed myself. It's all just the process I suppose. More of that healing stuff. I know I have to go through it, even when I'm on vacation and even when I don't particularly want to. It's life. It's definitely my life and that's okay.

Just thinking...

Doors close, new ones open. Opportunities present themselves in unexpected ways. We lose, we gain. We continually grow and learn. We move forward. Each step being orchestrated, each event preplanned.

The other day I had lunch with a good friend. We were talking about the future. I was thinking about something that my cousin said the day of Dans memorial. She said, "Shelly, you are still young. You have the possibility of falling in love again and being married for 50 plus years." Wow, that sounds crazy. It was a little weird to hear but she's right, I could. Since then, I've hung on to her words with hope and wonder. Obviously, I'm no where near even ready to date, let alone get married. But truth be told, I do get lonely. Some days, I want nothing more than for two strong arms to be wrapped around me. To feel safe, secure and loved by someone other than my sweet children.

This particular day, I was really missing Dan and as my friend and I talked, I mentioned what my cousin said. "One day I could remarry". She shook her head agreeing and spoke from her heart. She said (not in these exact words), "Your life is going to be amazing. Possibly, even better than you've ever imagined. It's going to be completely different than it was. The man you marry is going to be pretty special. He has to be to love you and take you for who you are, to love you for where you've been, what you've been through and for what you have, your story and to love your kids as his own". WOW. I think I had to pick my bottom lip up off the floor for that one. I couldn't even begin to say it as heartfelt as she did but in that moment, she and I both knew the words didn't come from her. She couldn't repeat them even if she had tried. But the enormity of those words she spoke, they were so full of hope. HOPE! And they are now embedded in my heart. Can you imagine finding a man like that twice in a lifetime? Seems almost unbelievable and yet, there is still hope.

Yesterday, another friend and I had coffee. He's been divorced for a while but it was rough for him in the beginning. Not at the amplitude of the loss that I have suffered but a divorce, in a sense is still a great loss. It hit me as he was talking about his ex wife and why they didn't "work out". I realized in that moment that we had both learned from our marriages. Lessons that will be tremendous in making a future marriage's greatness. And how awesome is that? Having that ability?

These things, seemingly meaningless moments, words and visions are HUGE in my life. I can take them all and learn. They help me now in growing and moving forward. Even though, I can't see tomorrow when I look down my path, I can see yesterday and where I've been. I can use all those moments to remind myself that life is too short to be wasted on sadness and pain. To stay true to myself, always. I do not know if in fact, I will ever remarry. I don't even know when I'll date. But I do know that if I am blessed enough to have a second chance at loving someone, God will place him in my life and he will be exactly the man I need.

A Long December

Ashes Ashes...

Today I took a step forward. I finally decided it was time to share Dans ashes with his parents. I called the father-in-law and he came and got them. He's taking them to a mortuary to have them separated. A week ago, this wasn't even a thought. His Dad wants to get the kids each their own small urns. Then he's going to put them at some mausoleum so their family has some place to mourn. To me it's not mourning. It's about remembering his life and I don't want to remember at a cemetery with a bunch of dead people. But, it's their son and if that's what they need to do to heal then I totally support that. They also think the kids need some place tangible to visit for their dad. I suppose they could be right but I'd like to remember him at his favorite places. Those places where he was the happiest. To me, that is Dan. Not a cemetery.

That is why, we'll be remembering his life in California by placing some of his ashes where we were married. We are headed over there after our Disneyland vacation. It's funny but it's almost as if I need to do this now to move forward. Letting go and leaving him where he was happiest.

Letting go feels right. It's as if I can almost sense an exhale.

A Moment for Smiling

People come into our lives for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes for a moment, sometimes for a lifetime. Recently, someone came back into my life. An old friend from long ago. A friend who always held a special place in my heart but because of life's circumstances, just went away one day. We talked for hours just reminiscing. It brought back so many happy memories. I laughed so hard my cheeks hurt. It was truly a moment for smiling.

I'm thankful that you are in my life again R.A.M. I've missed you.

The day my "new" normal began

I'm not sure why I'm sharing this. It's not as raw as it once was for me so maybe that's why. Then again, maybe I just need to talk about it some more. Some of you know how things went down that day. December 26, 2008, the day I lost my husband. It's not like it's something I'll ever forget so I guess technically, I don't need to write it all out in heartbreaking detail but I am none-the-less.

I woke up at 5am that morning. To read the bible and do devotionals. My devotionals come emailed to me and therefore, I needed to access the Internet on our laptop. We had an air card and I couldn't find it. I was in the dark asking Dan if he knew where on earth it was. I had an attitude because he didn't answer me, he just reached towards the wall and tried to open the drawer in the night stand. That was the last time I would see him alive. I still to this day feel a little guilt over our last encounter. I was mean and I don't know why I was mean. It's not the way you want to say goodbye to your best friend. I always remember people telling me to never go to bed angry. Now, I wish I'd also not woken up angry. I can't get that time back. I just need to forgive myself and try to move forward with what I have.

I ended up using my dads computer. Then I made coffee and went about my usual morning routine. I then cleaned up the HUGE mess that was Christmas. Organizing, sorting, going through all the toys. Once I was done with that, I went to the kitchen. I remember looking at the clock and thinking, "hmm, Dan's been sleeping for an awful long time". So, I went in and checked on him. At first, he looked like he was sleeping but then he made a funny noise. I got closer and realized something wasn't right. There he was, laying there with his mouth open, drool coming down his face and his eyes open, glazed over. He wasn't moving. I shook him and he didn't respond. His eyes didn't even blink. He just layed there, non responsive. I started to panic. I yelled his name, I think three times. Then I heard my mom calling 911. I felt his pulse and checked for breathing and a heart beat. His heart was beating very fast. He was feverish and kind of sweating. The kids were home and Bay was trying to keep them in the living room so they didn't see anything. She was hysterical. My mom was hysterical. I was in shock. My dad helped me lift him on the the floor in the hallway because that's where 911 said he needed to be. He was just a limp noodle. His eyes remained open, never blinking. I remember hearing the ambulance and thinking how quickly they came. I'd expected it to take longer. There was a very distinct smell coming from Dan. It was kind of gross smelling and I wasn't sure where it was coming from. When the medics arrived they checked vitals, gave him an iv and started him on some anti-over dose medication. They thought maybe he'd OD'd on Morphine. He didn't respond to it so they stopped. He had a rapidly beating heart and pulse. They weren't sure why. My dad went in the ambulance with them. I just couldn't go but I didn't want him to be alone. It's all a little blurry from there.

My sister drove me to the hospital where I met my dad. They took him to Arrowhead because they said it was the closest and with his condition, they needed to go to the closest hospital. My dad said they thought he may have had a stroke because although he was still not responding, he was favoring his left side when they did reflex testing. I dropped to my knees then and there in the middle of ER and prayed like I'd never prayed before. I asked God to wrap his arms around my husband, over and over again. My dad thought I was losing it. Maybe I was but praying was the only thing I knew to do. I specifically remember one of the medics hugging me. Looking back it's almost as if he knew Dan was already gone. I remember being moved to a waiting room. Dan's parents arriving and his brother. My friends Jenny and Ken and Alisha arriving. Then, in a moment, time froze. The Dr came in and said, "Mrs. Sauer, your husbands very sick. We need to put him on a ventilator. He's bleeding out everywhere and well, he's very sick. He's a very sick man". At that point I was thinking, this Dr's not telling me something and I asked, "Are you telling me my husbands Dying?" He said, "yes and he probably won't make it through the day". I couldn't believe it. The day before he was walking and talking. He was very sick but he was alive. He was with me. I remember thinking, he's bleeding out. Oh my gosh! But then it hit me that earlier, the weird smell that I had smelled was actually blood. Funny I never saw blood. In an instant, I went outside to call our pastor so they could come and pray over Dan. In the middle of the call, someone ran out and got me and was running pulling my arm. When we got to Dan's room, everyone was in there and it was utter chaos. I felt like I was in a movie. They were pushing on Dans chest giving him CPR, his listless body was flailing all over the place and the monitor was flat lining. They invited everyone in the room, like it was a show, then they shut the curtain. I put my head in someones chest, I couldn't watch. I remember thinking, "no, no, no, no" and then I remember thinking, "STOP!" PLEASE JUST STOP". I must of told my dad to tell them to stop because in a moment, they were saying, "Who said that?" My dad then said she did. They asked me again, "Do you want to stop?" and I said, "Yes, stop". So, they stopped. I was in shock. I was numb. Dans mom was wailing, "not my baby". I stood there for a moment. Then the Dr's said he was very sick and that I made the right choice. Somehow it wasn't reassuring but I know that it was the right choice. I never thought at the age of 34 that I'd be the one to make the choice to not resuscitate. It still stings but I smile when I think of where that allowed him to be and that is a very good thing.

From there they just said we needed to talk to him and tell him how much we loved him. They said he'd still show signs of life for a little bit but eventually those would go away. I tried telling him I loved him but his mother was so loud. I couldn't talk over her. She was speaking in Spanish and I didn't have the strength nor the energy to try and make her stop or move her out of the way so I could get a word in edgewise. So I left and went outside. I realized I couldn't go back in. I didn't want to see him laying there. I was afraid of remembering him that way. My sister took me home to tell my kids. Walking through that door after making the single most toughest decision of my life was horrible. I didn't know what I would say to them but I knew I had to tell Bay first. She took it hard. She was hysterical. It broke my heart. She didn't even get to say goodbye. None of them did. Then, I took the boys to the couch and told them that Daddy went to heaven to be with Jesus and they both smiled. They wanted to visit him. I told them that he wasn't going to ever come back and Bennett said, "I'm going to miss daddy". It made me cry. My kids didn't even get closure. One moment their daddy was here and the next, he was gone. It's heartbreaking for me because I worry that one day they may have abandonment issues. How will this affect them as they grow? I can only pray it makes them stronger.

I got a call that I had to go back to the hospital to sign the death certificate. By that time the pastor had been there for a while. When I arrived outside the room, I DID NOT want to go in. I was almost hyperventilating. The pastor hugged me and calmly said that it's my choice but he knew that I'd regret it if I didn't go in and say goodbye. It was the third most difficult situation of the day for me but I finally decided to go in. We prayed and then, they left me alone with Dan. He was still a little warm and he looked like he was sleeping. He really looked at peace. I think that is what helped me the most being in that room alone with him. I talked to him and told him how much I was going to miss him and then I cried. I finally cried. I said goodbye to my best friend. As I am typing this right now, tears are running down my face. Oh how I miss that man. I miss everything about him. Even those things that drove me nuts. He meant so much to me. SO MUCH. The nurse walked in and as I was turning to leave, I noticed Dans cross around his neck. She cut it off for me so I could bring it home to give to the boys. They always loved Daddy's cross necklace. I signed the death certificate or whatever it is that you sign when someone dies and I walked out of the room. From there i don't remember anything. We came home and met the pastor at our house. We talked about his service and when and how it would all happen. All I remember was that we were going to have it a week later. The pastor left and life resumed or it went on as normal as it could have for the situation.

That night I was afraid to be alone. I couldn't sleep. I cried for what seemed like forever. A fear of Dan forgetting me, forgetting us, flooded my entire being. Like somehow he was up in heaven, enjoying this amazing life and I was on earth, trying to put the pieces together all while dealing with losing him and taking care of our children. It didnt seem fair. It was tough but the sun still rose the next day and the day after that. It has risen every day since. Each day has gotten easier and each night, less fearful. I can actually go to bed now without crying. Sometimes, as weird as this may sound, I know he's there with us. It gives me peace knowing that.

My life drastically changed on that day. I always loved the Christmas season. I loved everything about it. Looking forward, I wonder how I'll feel. It is my hope that I'll embrace Dans life during that season and continue to move forward just the way he would have wanted me too. As much as it hurts, as difficult as it's been, it's made me a better person and given me a ironic sense of hope. One thing I know with absolute certainty is that I could have never gotten through it without God.

This was the day my new normal began. Welcome to "My Story".